Oedipus

I guess life gives

to each one of us

Exactly what

We have feared

All our lives

And exactly what

We know

Will happen to us

#nospacetobreathe

About turn

What i wanted for myself

And what i want for you

Are so different

I am amazed at myself

What i wanted 

Was only to be free

To explore

To see the world on my own

And so i pulled against

The binding ropes

Again and again

To try and break free

And for you

All i want for you

Is to be safe

To not wander 

Dangerous territories

To come home every evening

Before the birds roost

It is exactly what

My parents wanted for me

Exactly what i railed against

All my life

And exactly what i promised 

I would never become

Would never do

To my daughter

And now it is time for me

To remember the promises

I made to myself

To remember that

(In the words of Dumbledore)

She doesn't know what it is

To be old

But I know what it is

To be young

So i must not fail her

I must remember

That my love for her 

Must not be the small love

That keeps her tied to me

At all times

Is anxious for her,

And sacrifices her wanderlust

Her desire to explore

At the altar of that anxiety

Barters safety for freedom

Keep her tethered, 

Always in touching distance

No, my love must not be

That small love of old people

My love must be 

The big love of young people

Which is happy to see her grow

Even if she grows away from me

Which is happy to see her fly

Even if dangers pursue her

Which is happy in her happiness

Even if it has 

Nothing to do with me

Even if it breaks my heart

To let her go

Yes, i must be strong

For her,

I must be stronger than love

To be a woman

 Is to believe in 

Two opposite things

At the same time

And to believe them both

To be equally true

This body of a woman

This temple that creates

The miracle of new life

Expands and grows

Beyond its capacity

Enduring pain

Beyond imagination

To birth 

A new life

How can I not believe

That this temple

That does what nothing else can

That gives new life, 

The most 

Valuable thing in the world,

Is not the most sacred

Thing in the entire world

And then again

How can I elevate her

And belittle other bodies

Which have done no wrong

Girls

Who are not yet of age

Women

Who do not want to bear children

Women

Who yearn for children 

But cannot bear them

Women

Who have tried to bear children

And have only lost them

Men (and everyone else)

Who for no fault of theirs

Cannot bear children

Even if they wish to

How can I say

They are any less human

Or any less holy

Than a woman who bears children

Who, at the end of the day,

May be as pious or as sinful

As anyone else

 

And most importantly,

How can  I confine

A woman's value

To a mere body

And overlook

Her personhood

Which goes against

Everything I have always believed

So to be a woman

Is to believe in 

Two opposite things

At the same time

And to believe them both

To be totally true

 

To believe

That the temple of a woman;s body

Which births a new life

Is the greatest thing in the world

And to believe at the same time

That all bodies are equal

And a woman is no less a woman

Because she cannot or will not

Bear children

And that a woman is not 

Greater than any other woman

Just because she gives birth

Hungry

Come not so close to me, 

she said

This i will not allow

This i will forbid

 

But what can I do, 

he said

I have so many thoughts

So many

all about you

These thoughts, she said

Watch them from afar

Thoughts are just thoughts, 

after all

unless you act on them

Watch the thoughts bubbles form

Keep watching them, 

do no react

And they  will burst on their own

Like bubbles on clear water

I will try, he said 

And so

Whenever he saw her

he simply watched her

And watched himself wathing her

From his mind's eyes 

He saw that he wanted to touch her

But this he did not do

 

See, he said, 

I di dnot try to touch you

I did not even come over

to talk to you

 

Yes, that is true, she said

But then why do you

Follow me with your eyes

Like the sunflower follows the sun

 

This I will not do, 

he told her

And the next time they met, 

He passed the test

 

I saw you passing and whizzing

From the corner of my eyes

And yet, did not look at you, 

he said

That is true, she said

But then, why, when I speak

Do you stop listening

To everyone else around you?

He bit his tongue

This I should not do, 

he said to himself

You spoke, 

But I continued listening

to the dear people around me,

he said

That is true, she said

But why did you spill your tea

And drop your books

When I spoke

 

He clenched his jaws

This shall not happen again, 

he vowed
 

You see, I held on

To everything I had 

Even when you were nearby, 

he said to her

I clenched my fists so tight

 

Perhaps too tight, she said

Is that what

Led you to tremble

When I passed you?

 

He cast his eyes down, 

And said, from now on,

You will not know

How I feel

You will not see

The slightest nod from me

 

He kept his hands to himself

When she was near

Carefully putting down

Whatever he held

Keeping his attentions

Firmly fixed on the 

Face and voice before him

Never even lifting an eyebrow

When she was around

He would not speak

For fear his voice would crack

Even taking care to keep 

His mouth firmly closed

So that his trembling lip

Would not give him away

See, he said, 

See

There is nothing 

For you to see

She nodded

And turned away

And he wished 

She would have asked

One more question

So where did it go?

The words he would have spoken

The smile that would have 

lit up his face

His senses that would have

leaped up at the first sight of her

His eyes that would have 

Followed her everywhere

Where did they go?

 

Where did it go?

He wanted her to ask 

The heart that would have 

Exhausted itself 

Trying to find what pleases you 

Where did they all go? 

Since they could not 

Go where they wanted to?

 

I still startle

When I hear you speak

Out of my sight

He wanted to say

You eyes, and my ears, 

and all my attention

Are still yours

But, if you ask me to listen

To the person in front of me

That I will do, too

so I do both things

Now my voice does not crack

But my heart does

From the effort of 

Keeping my voice silent

My hands don't tremble any more

But my very soul does 

From your nearness

And my mind

That you asked me to watch

For bubbles

And wait for them to burst

That mind of mine

Is so full of bubbles

Of your thoughts, 

And none of them burst,

But keep growing 

Every day

Until I have 

Nowhere to keep them....

the calm

 As a storm rages within

I stay perfectly calm within

Unable to react to anything

(In other words, dead)

I wonder if it is 

The storm before the calm

When life my fall into place

Or the calm before the storm

When all hel breaks loose

And I am jerked out of 

This stupor, willy nilly

Holding on, sewing together

Hoping that the storm within

Does not make my skin

Burst open at the seams

Who knows if the storm will pass

Who knows if the floods will abae

Every day is an unbearable wait

For something that will change this life

 

It is so difficult to take

Even the next step

When the air seems

Denser than water

And I am wading

Against strong currents

 

And yet, 

Finding the courage

Every dya

To just get through

Just one more day.....

 

निकाला

आकाश छ नीलो तर

धर्ती छ अँध्यारो

राप छ मरुभूमीको तर

लागेको छ कुहिरो

शीतल छ बतास तर

तनमा छ आगो

 

हिँड्दैछु जन्मभूमितिर

तर किन लाग्दैछ

म हराईरहेछु

 

एक पछि अर्को

पछि अर्को गर्दै

बितिरहेछन् यहाँ

दिन महिना वर्षहरु

 

मैले आँखा देखिन

घामको उज्यालोमा

मैले बाटो बिराएँ

सधैं हिँड्ने गोरेटोमा

म लड्खडाएँ

सुन्दर सीधा यो राजमार्गमा

 

बाधा अड्चन अवरोध

केही नभएको यो बाटो

पुग्न त मेरै आँगनमा पुग्छ

तर पनि मलाई थाहा छैन

यो बाटोले मलाई कहाँ लाँदैछ

 

कहाँ छ त्यो धर्तीको स्वर्ग

जसलाई म सपनामा देखिरहन्छु

 

एक पछि अर्को

पछि अर्को गर्दै

बितिरहेछन् यहाँ

दिन महिना वर्षहरु

Concrete sins

 

The rains fell relentlessly on her house, 

She ran to take shelter in caves, 

And watched the house made of mud

Dissolve in water, drop by drop

As if it was made of sugar

And the sweet water

Took everything with it, 

every strip of dry cloth she had

And every grain of food

She slumped back into herself, 

Closed her eyes, and prayed

If only I had a house

That no water could get into

That could have a warm fire blazing

No matter what blizzards howl outside

That would stand still

Even in the calm after the storm

You can have that house, 

Said her goddess

But it will destroy

A little bit of the earth

The earth,  it is meant to be 

Renewed every season

What the rains wash away

It would have deposited on river banks

And the mud would have gone back to earth

Grown up in flowers and fruits and trees

And in the place of what you had lost

you would have created anew

But this house that you ask for,

It will not be destroyed 

It will stand there

And stand and stand

The waters that would have 

flowed over it

Will have to flow around it

When you are gone

The house will not be 

Destroyed and rebuilt, 

as it should

But it will exist for 

far longer than a season

And when it finally dies

As all things should

It will not come back to life

As all living beings would

It will exist, in hard and brittle

Concrete bits and pieces 

That nothing can grow out of

That will not go back into the earth

Wherever they go, 

they will take death with them

For renewal every season

Is the ritual of life

And this house of yours 

Will flout that rule

It will be an aberration

On the map of the earth

The earth is large, mother

And I am but a tiny one, a nothing

You can grant me as much earth

As one point of a pin

So that I can be safe

In one lifetime

What is one point of a pin, 

To the great world?

And what is one lifetime

In the great flow of time?

Nothing, mother, nothing

And so the house was made

Not by borrowing from the earth 

And the river and the Forests

Mud and stones and wood and water

That would have gone back into them

But by hacking and plundering 

And accumulating and stealing

Sand and marble and other things

That would never go back

Where they came from

That would never 

grow anything ever again

That would, even when destroyed

Continue to hinder and obstruct

The rains and the winds and 

Seeds and little saplings

Every item a plunder

Every step a crime 

A sin against the mother earth

And yes she was happy

To be safe for a lifetime

It is just as big as a pin point to you, 

Mother earth, 

She said

And the pin point is nothing,

Nothing, 

In someone as great

And munificent as you

Can you not give your daughter 

A little point of a pin?

Yes daughter, 

But don’t you see?

I have so many daughters…

Cried mother earth

But she shut the doors of her house

And went inside to warm up

By the blazing fire

***

And she continued to ask 

From her goddess

And from mother earth

Which were maybe one and the same

Things that would 

Make her safe for a lifetime

And leave a legacy

Of death and destruction

***

Will you fill up every inch of me, child?

The mother asked with tears in her eyes

Will you give me no space to breathe at all?

Will you not think for a moment

Of the sin against your mother?

Her daughter’s jaw was set

And her eyes were fiery

Plenty for some and poverty for others, 

Isn’t that a greater sin, mother?

Will you deny me what 

You gave to your other daughters?