thank god for nights

the piles of snow
yards of sand
miles of forests
seventy seven rivers
and everything else
between you and me
that i will never cross

the walk under fall trees
(sunset colors all day long)
that you will never share
the beat up car
you will never ride
the sloping walls
you will never marvel at
romantic stairs
you will never pose on
and everything else mine
that you will never touch

far away from you,
i close my eyes
as if that will make me forget
that we will never be
in the same frame
except in photoshop

as if that will shield me
from sights that
are not for your eyes

only the nights remind me
that at least
we lie under the same moon

poems

a poet wears outside
what should rightly be inside
just like the snail
wears its bones

the only difference is that
unlike an exoskeleton
poems are not bones
but pieces of soul

Question

"My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods. Time will change it, I'm well aware, as winter changes the trees - my love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath - a source of little visible delight, but necessary."

- Catherine Earnshaw

Question: How many rocks are you allowed to have?

:P

lunch hour

is such an entirely different world
from the work hours
that it is carved from

(dandelions. sunshine. rippling water.
snicket. nephilim. ritual regicide.
photos. poems. dreams.
stories if i am lucky.
vs.
blank screen. gray partition. a/c)

Erudition

Is also my emancipation

How lucky am I

To wake up to a poem on the pillow

Erudition

Is a curse
That has made me too logical
To let myself go

(I refuse to admit
That i was born this way)

सुक्ष्म संदेश

म खाना खांदै छु.
होमवर्क गर्दै छु.
कस्तो अल्छी लाग्यो.
टिभी हेर्दै छु.
असिना पर्यो. 
कविता लेख्दै छु.
अब पल्टिनु पर्ला.
छटपटी भो, कोल्टे फेर्दैछु.

म निदाईसकें
भनेर पनि टेक्स्ट पठाउन पाए
कति रमाइलो हुन्थ्यो.

(अनि कहिले काँही
'तिम्रो सपना देख्दैछु') 

been there, done that

i wait for a miracle pop
that will release
all the tension in the muscles
at once!
and life can go back to what it was
before the pain.
instead it insists on its own pace
of minuscule degrees of healing
per day.
sometimes it's gone
and i can almost forget about it,
before it comes back with a vengeance.
the pain so sudden and piercing
i can hear my teeth grind
and taste the silent tears

i could have been writing about
the worst shoulder sprain
in my history
or
i could have been writing about
a shoulder sprain
that sounds extraordinarily like
the aftershocks of a break up
when described
or
i could have been writing about
the aftershocks of a break up
that made the shoulder sprain
seem like a pale copy

either way,
up all night i stay

Found in your eyes

I hate
The shade of green
Henceforth and forever to be known as
Disarming

i will never recover

the sleep that you stole from me

born before my time

my short skirt
is about sunning my legs
that haven't been seen out
in hundreds of years

i wonder what
the future will invent
for my breasts
that haven't seen the sun
for several millenia

होश हराए पनि मायालु. तिमीलाई भुल्दिन मायालु .

there was a point in time
when i remembered
every single thing
that had happened to me

as events crowded
and threatened to snap
my limited synapses
now more and more i realize
that i remember only
the most important things

तिमीलाई म के भनुं - V

the plethora of worst superlatives
is a different story altogether
i never seem to run out of them

every time
i hope it is
the last worst superlative
i will have to coin.

but it is a wish that
my shooting star
dies trying to accomplish,
apparently

तिमीलाई म के भनुं - IV

it appears
that i do have a superlative left for you,
my favorite mistake....

Reconnecting. On the phone.

Recognizing faceless voices
That hadn't cracked
When you heard them last
Is an art form in itself

my dream man,

what if i meet you
after i m married to someone else?

i will acknowledge no gods

until a bloody (pun intended) vagina
replaces the upraised phallus
on the altar

सौ चूहे खा के बिल्ली हाज को चली

after conveniently taking a hundred calls
when you get one from a person
that you don't care much for
you decide to ignore it
because you "want to be with me"

Quarter life crisis

being afraid of not getting a job

second guessing your job

maybe i should have done my master's instead?

second guessing your studies

am i even learning anything useful?

i will never gain back the opportunity loss

underachievement

all my friends have great careers

i am a failure

over-achievement

house, money, car, marriage

what else is left to do, at the age of twenty five

second guessing your love

so far away, who knows what he is doing?

coping with friends' marriage disillusions

married life? is the same as any other life

only i didn't have to cook for 9 people before

having your own marriage disillusionment

if that’s all there is, why should I go for it?

"the one that got away" syndrome

if only he had never left,

i would be the happiest person on earth

the myriad ranges of quarter life crisis

as many confusions as people

only a thin thread binding them all together

a constant, overwhelming, suffocating fear

of being stuck doing something you don't like

day after day, every day,

like a robot


Free Agents:
Yug Zee Tah
Archal 1
Bhoowan

Those 4 days

I come home and see
A bottle of water set out for me
To live on for the entire day

Even a cow
Gets an entire bucket full

The cow is better off than me
In so many other ways

For one,
Her shit gets to walk the kitchen
That my blood is exiled from

For another,
Her touch sanctifies
While mine
quote-unquote
defiles.

I squirm in my own house
Trying to touch as few things as possible.
While she roams free.
If I could be deflated like a balloon,
And made to occupy even less space
I would have been,
Long ago

And finally,
She even has a place among the gods
Where my blood rightfully belongs
(Yes i've heard the logic.
She is as nurturing as a mother.
I wonder who was the first person to forget
That she is only "like" a mother
While my blood is the real life giver)

growing up

you realize
that the dress you like the most
that you immediately feel is made for you
may not be the one you look best in

and then you realize the same thing
about men

your new stylish self can laugh away
the ungainly sartorial choices
in old photos
shudder at them and vow
never to be so silly again

but you still want
the men you think are made for you
even though you have learnt by now
that they don't quite suit you the best

your smile

is so many megawatts brighter
on close up

Measures of time

Little nuggets of time that go unaccounted

The walk between two classes

The wait for the micro to heat up a boxed dinner

The minutes before the shower runs warm

The interlude when you don’t know what to do

as everyone sings you happy birthday

The bonus moments in which
I could not possibly do anything productive
Is just the right amount of time to miss you

The droplets of time that go unregistered

The half a blinking it takes to change a tv channel

The agonizing moment before a lit cracker bursts

The split-second-before you guess something

The nanoseconds in which nothing can possibly happen
Is time enough for your memory
To hit me with a body bind jinx

I thought

I could live without you

commitment phobia

don't give me something
i will love and treasure
that will send me meandering down
memory lanes of you
give me cheap baubles
that i won't regret throwing
away
or expensive ones
that i can throw
at you
when (not if) you leave

building balloons

first i m happy
then i fight
then i learn
what makes you fight
then i learn
what makes you happy
then we are happy

then i imagine
the years and years ahead of us
with hundreds of moments
just like this one
learning what makes you sad
and what makes you angry
when to talk to you
and when to leave you alone
when to tell a joke
and when to share a poem
how to drive away our fear
how to be happy together

like a balloon that bursts
before it gains its shape
like a moon that wanes
before it waxes full
is my dream.
aborted
before it comes into being.
time and time again.

for once, i'd like see the balloon
soar gently in the air
for once i'd like to see the moon
wax to the full
for once, i'd like to watch my future
unfold before my eyes
and not just in my mind

Let me be invisible

The morning i woke up
With a bitterness in my heart
Wanting desperately to
Dissolve back into my bed
Wishing fervently for the world
To forgot that I existed,
I finally understood why Kafka's Gregor
Woke up as a cockroach

I know it is there for my asking

But you already gave me so much more
than i could ever ask

No rest for the wicked

In winter i m lonely without you
And summer just reminds me
Of our magical one

Every season seems but an excuse
To lie awake and think about you

why do i

insist on
beating against an invisible wall
of my own making
that exists only in my own mind

waning moon

as with every time
after our last fight
i assumed we would get back together
just like the waning moon
that always waxes full
in due course

little did i know
that this time
it was not an ordinary wane
it was an eclipse

(and a permanent one at that)

waxing eloquent:
Archal1
Bhoowan
Kay
Yug Zee Tah

types of men

men can be divided into two types.
those who are MCPs
and those who you don't know yet are MCPs

signs

“love is a fallacy”
“love is a dream”
“love is for the foolish,
an illusion supreme”
signs
that love
has passed you by

a warm touch
a soothing word
a smile, a hug
a constant hope
signs
that love has loved you

तिमीलाई म के भनुं - II (constitutional crisis)

yes, I  have squandered my superlatives
to call you by
long before you came into my life
(I am sorry,
I never expected to run out so early)

I have none left for you
and that makes both of us sad

it makes me further sad
to think that
i could make at least one of us happy
if i didn't insist on being honest

I need girlfriends because

i cannot tell you
how someone else
made me laugh more
or feel more secure
or was more exciting and fun

i cannot tell you
i have a crush
on your best friend
however tiny the crush might be

and most of all,
i cannot tell you
how i miss someone else

though the ending is not happy,

Its ok.
Because the story is a happy one.

wanted: foresight

spontaneous intimacy is like
a particularly exciting jholunge pul

    the dizzying heights
    the soaring heart
    the amazing view of endless possibilities
    the thrill of unknown
    the euphoria of aftermath

but also,
like a particularly rickety jholunge pul,
you never know how far you can go
before it gives way
   
     (the sudden fall)

vestiges of a suitcase life

A month here,
a week there.

sometimes facing the door,
sometimes on the floor

there may be a jug of water
or maybe the kitchen is miles away

maybe an east facing window
which streams in the morning sun
or maybe an annoying ventilation
that doesn't filter traffic sound

maybe my people are waiting downstairs
talking and smiling over breakfast
or maybe i am in a studio
with only myself to begin the day with

No wonder,
in the twilight moments before waking up,
It takes me so long to figure out
which bed i am sleeping in.

तिमीलाई म के भनुं - I (fat chance)

First crush.
First love.
First relationship.

Best friend.
Best friend turned love.
Best connection-with.
Best confidant.

Most secret holder.

Most supportive.
Most comfortable.
Most likable.
Nicest.Safest.

Most in-love-with.
Most committed-to.
Most conversation-with.

Most exciting.
Most interesting.

I have said them all.
And i m running out of superlatives
for the next person in my life.

I guess i will have to make do
with mere positives.
   Thank u for the nice day.
   Thank u for the wonderful lunch.
   Thank you for your company.
   Thank you for your thoughtfulness.

(Unless, of course, i could say
you are the last person in my life)

The lesser evil

On the one hand,
Our story will not have a happy ending
On the other hand,
It will never have an ending

poetic justice

life gives me so many
    hurts
    deficiencies
    inadequacies
    insecurities

having you
makes up for all of them

apocalypse

you build a nine inch brick wall
and a spiked metal gate

but when you close your door
and stop listening
to the muffled sounds
of could-have-been screams,
your little one's life
dissolves in a puddle of tears
anyways

what you decided to pass off
as stray dogs fighting
was actually a wolf in viper's clothing
that slithered in through the walls,
nine inch or not,
and is now right here,
right outside your two inch door
that you choose to close
and you little one is mauled
anyways

evolution / perspectives

it is so annoying
that i evolve
and turn around and find that
the world hasn't evolved with me

is this how adults felt
about a cocksure me of twelve?

when you stopped listening

when you stopped listening
I realized
(the chicken or the egg?
in this case,
definitely the chicken came first)
I spoke because you listened
and not the other way around

when you stopped listening
i imploded
instead of exploding
and venting to the whole world
as I had expected to
when I was free of you

when you stopped listening
i lost my speech
because i realized
that i had always spoken
for an audience of one

when you weren't reading:
Kay: Blossoms fruit if they don't fall
Archal1: When you weren't listening