Sometimes i think
I should reach out
Across the thin veil
To where you are
A veil as thin as water
Other times i know
That i chase a mirage
That i am dazzled by a bubble
Perhaps i will regret
Not walking through
The invisible walls
Between you and me
For we only regret
The chances we do not take
And yet today i choose
To close my eyes
And let the fountain
Flow elsewhere
Words of wonder
Fall like sweet rain
On a heart as dry as desert
I could close my eyes
And get lost in your words
For years
Lose myself in your warmth
Forever
Sometimes i think
I should just spell it out
Give a name
To this wonder
That keeps me up all night
Give a rest
To the wide awake eyes
Becoming
Exactly the kind of woman
I hoped not to become
Bowled over
By a couple of kind words
Sincere,
Or otherwise
She walked for days
And days and days
Talking, but not conversing
She listened only to the
Chirps of the birds
The rustle of
Pristine mountain streams
Let her eyes get dizzy
From the winding roads
And the verdant forests
That seemed to fade
If you looked away
And to crowd around you
If you looked at them
But did the all-giving
Mother nature
Give her peace?
Skin peeled away from her
In layers
Bubbles formed and burst
And formed again
On her feet
Her limbs ached from
Exhaustion
And the very burden of
Dragging one foot
After another
Was the heaviest
And yet the pain without
Was nothing
Compared to the storm within
She thought she had resolved it
Years ago
She knew the lines:
That her hatred cost him nothing
It only cost her, her sanity
For obsession was keeping her
Away from the life she could have
Forgiveness was for her own sake,
For her peace of mind
It had nothing to do with him
She thought she had embraced
The wisdom
And yet,
The bristles and the stings
Only gathered in her
Another ocean
Another dam
That burst at the first touch
Of a kind soul
When the two gentle souls
Embraced her
She had nothing to say
About the vertigo,
The aches and exhaustion
But the stories in her soul
Came out in torrents
She knew already,
What they said to her
About forgiveness
I forgave long ago,
She said,
But why does it still
haunt me so?
Eventually,
Their generous kindness
Was not enough
Though she still remembers
It with great tenderness
Two kind souls
In the midst of an unfeeling
Wilderness of people
Eventually she learnt
That your demons
Are your own to lay
And only your own
And you will lay them
If you want to
But also that hardships
Don't really add problems
They only show you
More clearly
The house of your feelings
That you carry with you
Like a tortoise
Wherever you go
They tell you what is important
To you
And no matter where you go
There is no running away
From yourself
The fear of being lonely
Of dying lonely
Of being mistreated
Of ending up on the streets
Fear of limbs failing
Of speech and memory failing
Rising insecurity
A drawing up and tightening
Of all the strings that bind
A seeking if constant reassurance
From all those who love
It it as if i have lived
Your life along with mine
And feel your old age
As deeply in my soul
As you do
And these fears are mine,
These fears for you,
Fears for myself
Long before they are my due
I dreamt that you and i
Jumped off a building
And touched earth
Lightly on our feet
As if we had wings
And flew everyday
A girl can dream....
Say you need
Emotional and
Spiritual nourishment
Fumbling around in cold,
Dreary rain
Trying to cook in
A cramped and leaking kitchen
Grtting drunk and
Conveniently pushing it all
Behind memories
And finally,
Gorging on sweet, rich laddoos
And feeling sated
Green flowers don't exist,
She said
They do, he said
And to prove her wrong,
He got her a bouquet
Full of green flowers
That was one argument
She was not sorry to lose
The patience to wait
Until the tears are subsided
The hiccups are forgotten
The stutter is gone
And the words can come
Diffused colors through
Steamed glass
That I struggle to wipe
A bright spot through
Drizzling rain
A wisp of memory
Through misty fog
A clear, bright face
Outside my bubble
That i struggle to break
You are rain and water
In dreams i see you
Evanescent as summer drizzle
Mysterious as myst
Elusive as the dew
That disppears with first light
And yet as present
As the very air around me
This life of
Anger envy
Resentment jealousy
Bottling up of fantasy
That grows ever stronger
As you grow into middle age
And poison bubbles
Just beneath the surface
And venom is the undercurrent
Beneath every relationship
That you hold dearest
It's not a life i want for myself
**
I don't know what is worse,
To grow up with this trauma every day
(For everyone must learn to bear with
Their share of trauma)
Or to be shielded from it
And to be faced with the nakedness
All of a sudden
(Because best intentions only last so long
And you cannot be shielded forever)
**
They say
The only way to deal with emotions
Is through
That none of the five stages work
That you have to feel them...
To be over them
But if i let myself feel
The horrors of other people's
Middle aged resentments,
Their confinments,
I will surely drown
**
And i think i don't want
To be a part of it
But if i give up
All wants, all desires
What do i have
To live for?
**
Perhaps i will invest in some thick skin
Perhaps i don't have an option
Perhaps i have already made my choice
**
And i think love is the answer
That if i have one thing
That makes me smile
At the end of the day
I will be happy
I will be strong enough
To give up all other desires
I will not envy anyone
I will not be angry at anyone
Who hurls barbs at me
I will give, to those who envy me
I would do all this
And still live, not just exist
If only i had love, was loved
But then imagine the weight
Of expectations
That one love has to bear
**
Beautiful art makes sense
Fuck realism
Who wants to see in art
The horrors they have
Just escaped from?
Fantasies make sense
