Measuring life by men

Growing up feminist,
You see all these women
Suffering because of men, marriage
And you think
You don't need men

And yet, as you grow up
Why is it that only the memories
Of the moments when
Men were kind to you
Stand out vividly
Complements
Glitter like jewels
In the boring strand of life
Touches
Glow like coals
Even the memory of which
Scorches like flames

You try to deny it all
Try to convince yourself
That you don't need men
To be happy

You try to find everything
In family, friends
Work, social work
And yet,
As you look back
You can only measure life
In men

It is only they
Who give you confidence

You feel guilty
Like you betrayed
Other women,
Your ideals,
Your beliefs

It takes so long
To reconcile both
And realize that
That it is not the men
That matter
It is love
It is warmth

If you had loved
Women
The same way
You would have had
The same vivid memories
Of love
To keep you company
Give you confidence

Yes, you can survive without men
If that is what you like
But you don' have to,
And you shouldn't
If you don't want to

Sapiosexual me

Someone
who gives ideas
Someone
who makes me forget
the dust and grime of daily life
and shows me stars
Someone
whose one word
can have me googling for hours
And one conversation
produces a novel (ok, a short one)
Someone
who makes me wake up
in the middle of the night
just to check facts
Someone
who lives in the world of stories
Someone
who has a wealth of information
at his fingertips
that he can access
by merely closing his eyes
and tapping his temple

mirror mirror

i was afraid that your love
would bind me
limit me
but instead
it is mine
that restricts me

come to think of it
perhaps i knew how it would be
perhaps it was myself
i was afraid of
even then

and i just found in you
a suitable scapegoat

People with successful love stories

They always say the same things
# If it is meant to be, it will happen
# If it doesn't last, it's not love
# What will be, will be
# Things will fall together of their own accord for true love#

So easy

To make grand gestures of love
and so hard
to make little, everyday efforts

great expectations

I stopped  hoping
to see you around everyday
And when you do saunter by
I stopped yelling
I do not flood you with messages
That I send merely
To fill your absences
Not because I do not want to
Tell you about my day
But so that
I don't get disappointed
By your blank replies

It seems to have made things
A lot better
We don't fight, for one
And you don't run away
For another

but then,
losing expectations
also means
losing interest

will we survive
without the spark?

Blunt is the word

Feel free
To take my words at face value.

I mean exactly what i say.

And just so you know,
The hints you threw at me
That were supposed to make me
Introspect,

Soul-search

End up repenting sorrowfully
My apathy towards you,
And rush tearfully to make up.

Failed miserably

If anyone asks later

If it doesn't work out,

I'll say

I always knew

He held a candle

For someone else

I was just

Passing the time

path of least resistance

Armed with devastating cheekbones
One-of-a-kind eyebrows
Absolutely original pick-up lines
That made every lady
Feel it was for her

You went out into the world
that had disparaged you
And watched
As woman after woman
Fell weak-kneed
To your irresistible allure
And men looked up at you
In awe
All over again

None could stand your arsenal
There came the day
When you did not even need to smile
Hearts, it seemed,
Broke of their own accord
When you looked
From underneath your
Unbelievable eyelashes
(How can some non-living
strands of protein
express so much emotion?
Disdain, in particular)
and then looked away

And you continued to
Ring  up the charts
Though I cannot imagine
You not knowing
That each time you scored
I hurt as much as
The heart that would
soon be shattered

And yet,
When you came back
Remorseful
Hoping for acceptance
But doubtful of it,
I forgave you

Forgave you all the broken hearts
Forgave you all the tears
Shed only because you existed
Forgave you all the sorrows
That would never have happened
If you had not happened to those lives

Because I remembered
You all-consuming desire to win

How you would bulldoze you way out
of losing arguments
Charm your way out
of punishments
Make extravagant gestures
Just to prove yourself right
Bend over backwards, go out of the way
Just so people could find nothing to say

I watched as life flung
Failure after failure at you
Average academics
Below average pay
Frustrated extra-curriculars
Rejected romance
Other people speeding
Far, far ahead of you

And yet,
There was the desire to win
Tormenting you every night
What could you do but
Choose (What was for you)
The path of least resistance

Or rather, it chose you

I forgive you,
For I know why

I forgive you,
For who understands you story
Better than me
Who has been by your side
Just a few days shy of forever

I forgive you,
For I have known your utter misery
When you thought life had
Only failure in store

I forgive you,
For we are all selfish,
You no more than anyone else


And yet,
Why is it so hard for me 
To forgive her
Who, in her quest for
Warmth and acceptance,
Was no more selfish than you

In other words

When i said

I like girls

You laughed

And when i asked 

If i can kiss one

You told me 

To go ahead

By all means

I know you think it's ok

I know you are indulgent 

Of what you think

Is my whim, 

Youthful experimentation

But i m left wondering

If you really ever gave it much thought

Because if you did

You would have realized

That it just means

I love two different people

At the same time

And her gender, really,

Has nothing to do with it

my insecurities

Q: Do you think girls make such vague statements when they actually want something precisely?

A: Yes, girls do make vague statements. There are various reasons for that:

1. you are not sure how the person will react

2. you don't want t o be rejected

3. you want the guy to understand your feelings without saying so directly

4. you don't want the guy to think you are of bad character

5. if the guy rejects, you can back out n say u never meant it

honey dreams

Honey is not for everyday.
Yesterday I had piquant baked potato skins.

But tonight I want my dreams
as thick and heavy as honey
as thick and heavy and sweet

That i can get lost in
Drown in, more like

Enough, enough of hunger games dreams

how to outfocus rocks

"You know there is a dialogue. in a book. My love for everything else is like trees. "

"..."

"(Foliage, actually, but you won't know that.)"

" ..."

"It dies and it changes. And then there is the other kind of love, like the rocks beneath it, that..."

"But I am like the sky. Always there."

"But...the rocks..."

"Never changing, never dying."

"You really know how to make a hash of my literaty pretensions, don't u!"

 " ..."

"Come to think of it, you don't really need them, when you have the real thing." 

 " ..."

"Aite, I'll take the sky. But I'll take a moment, to apologize to Emily."

#hindsighted_justification
#plain_justification
#proudtobelowbrow

Why i like you

Petty things need reason

Grand, beautiful ones like you

Need no reason at all

(C) Axl

Same person

I had not realized 

That if you can give me

Love and happiness

You can take it away too

In fact

You are the only person 

Who can

(C) Axl

Riding a bike home

Pretending

That the streets of Kathmandu

And the glittery lights

Belong to some other city's midnight

The 5pm darkness

Is actually 7pm twilight

Of a warmer place

And the cold himalayan draft

Is just a gentle zephyr 

Gone momentarily wild

Doesn't really make it so

You still end up in a basement
That poses as a room

Cover

"They were having a hard time muffled their laughter as the mademoiselle's plate bounced, as if on its own, on the dinner table. When Joanna made a small joke that would have barely elicited a chuckle otherwise, they all laughed uproariously."

- Enid Blyton. Forgot the book

Too long had i dammed up

My disappointment

At your loss

And the dream of dear ones dying

Just became the excuse

For what came tumbling down 

I care so much about you

And yet,

Almost nothing

About your tears

Hypersomnia

After hours of sleep, they wake up without feeling refreshed -- re

I guess i am not hupersomniac.

After hours of sleep i don't wake up groggy

Only grumpy

Recurring motifs

How is it

That you never know

What things you hold dear

No, not things

But ideas, dreams, arguments

And what images are buried deep

Into you soul

Until you start writing poems

And the same themes

Appear over and over again

Separated by a few years

Or mere months

Written in different languages

Or with different examples perhaps

But the same,

Exactly the same motifs

Over and over again

It is as if

A mode count of themes

Could give

The essense of your soul

exception to the rule

i am vegetarian
not because i want to diet
or because i do not like the taste
but because i do not want to kill anything,
much less hurt it

but for you
the vilest human i have met
which also makes you
the basest animal

i will make an exception

sum of parts

She with her crooked teeth
was somehow more than the sum of her parts
and her less than wheatish skin
glowed with an angelic backlight
while i
broom like eyelashes notwithstanding
was always, always,
the dowdy sister
less than the sum of my parts

 http://devillangell.blogspot.com/2013/07/life-as-twin.html?showComment=1386409907366

His face

"Have you looked into his eyes, sister?"

"That i have not, sister, i fear to"

Rita and Serafina, his dark materials

And why was it that i

Refused to look into your face

What was it

That i was afraid of finding there?

Too much love, maybe

That i did not want to return

And be responsible for

All my life?

Or too little,

That would confirm

That no one loved me.

The elephant in the room

When you ask me

What i had for dinner

I know it is because

You want to avoid 

The elephant in the room

you don't want to talk about it

But unfortunately

I have nothing else

To talk about

Flying colors

When you know

The right thing to say

You always come out

With flying colors

Whether or not

You mean it

Seems like you better just

Learn the right words

And forget all about

Sincerity

At twenty

At twenty,
How do you know
That chances will come
Again and again
You think twenty two is the end of
Life as you know it
You have no idea
Of tantalizing twenty fives
And Mystifying twenty sevens
Or perhaps even blissful twenty nines

So at twenty
When a deep crimson sunset
Makes you speechless
The drum of raindrops on your roof
Makes you crave warmth
The solitude of an early morning
Ray of sunlight that wakes you up
Makes you ponder for meaning
When the first sight of a beach
Leads you inside the labyrinthine maze
Of your own soul

You wish,
You wish
That the beep on your phone
Is special

You wish you loved him

You know, you just know
That there is never going to be another
That you will never have this chance
Of happiness again

And so at twenty

you give it your all
Just because a kitten
Gave you a lump in the throat
When he sent you that beep
Or didn't

And it takes you so long
To realize
That perhaps
That was not love

Curiosity killed the cat

Whenever I think of stories
I always set them in this place
A forest, vaguely,
A dim fire
Some blurred huts
I try to figure out where this place is
where I have seen it before

And when I cannot
I let it be

Since I figured out
That the last place I used to imagine
Was my old shcool grounds
It lost its mystery

How long is this forest and fire going to holD?

Place of honor

For you there is

A place in my life

A place of reverence

Love, affection

Madness, devotion

If you choose to stay

But if you choose to come by

Once in a while

Don't be surprised if,

One day,

You do not find me waiting

Delusions of grandeur

I know i am not grand

And yet

I have enough streaks of brilliance

To give me delusions of grandeur

Enough

For me to lose myself

In reveries

Of bliss

Of conquering the world

Of extravagance

Of wild fantasies come true

I know they will not come true

And yet

I do not take them for granted

I know what it is to be

Without delusions

I know what it is like

When your mirror

Throws your reveries back at you

And tells you you are not worthy

And the worst part is that

Your very soul withers

Because the mirror has it convinced

No,

I do not take these delusions for granted

Today my soul tells me

That no matter what the world gives me

I deserve everything 

My dreams hold