The fear of being lonely
Of dying lonely
Of being mistreated
Of ending up on the streets
Fear of limbs failing
Of speech and memory failing
Rising insecurity
A drawing up and tightening
Of all the strings that bind
A seeking if constant reassurance
From all those who love
It it as if i have lived
Your life along with mine
And feel your old age
As deeply in my soul
As you do
And these fears are mine,
These fears for you,
Fears for myself
Long before they are my due
I dreamt that you and i
Jumped off a building
And touched earth
Lightly on our feet
As if we had wings
And flew everyday
A girl can dream....
Say you need
Emotional and
Spiritual nourishment
Fumbling around in cold,
Dreary rain
Trying to cook in
A cramped and leaking kitchen
Grtting drunk and
Conveniently pushing it all
Behind memories
And finally,
Gorging on sweet, rich laddoos
And feeling sated
Green flowers don't exist,
She said
They do, he said
And to prove her wrong,
He got her a bouquet
Full of green flowers
That was one argument
She was not sorry to lose
The patience to wait
Until the tears are subsided
The hiccups are forgotten
The stutter is gone
And the words can come
Diffused colors through
Steamed glass
That I struggle to wipe
A bright spot through
Drizzling rain
A wisp of memory
Through misty fog
A clear, bright face
Outside my bubble
That i struggle to break
You are rain and water
In dreams i see you
Evanescent as summer drizzle
Mysterious as myst
Elusive as the dew
That disppears with first light
And yet as present
As the very air around me
This life of
Anger envy
Resentment jealousy
Bottling up of fantasy
That grows ever stronger
As you grow into middle age
And poison bubbles
Just beneath the surface
And venom is the undercurrent
Beneath every relationship
That you hold dearest
It's not a life i want for myself
**
I don't know what is worse,
To grow up with this trauma every day
(For everyone must learn to bear with
Their share of trauma)
Or to be shielded from it
And to be faced with the nakedness
All of a sudden
(Because best intentions only last so long
And you cannot be shielded forever)
**
They say
The only way to deal with emotions
Is through
That none of the five stages work
That you have to feel them...
To be over them
But if i let myself feel
The horrors of other people's
Middle aged resentments,
Their confinments,
I will surely drown
**
And i think i don't want
To be a part of it
But if i give up
All wants, all desires
What do i have
To live for?
**
Perhaps i will invest in some thick skin
Perhaps i don't have an option
Perhaps i have already made my choice
**
And i think love is the answer
That if i have one thing
That makes me smile
At the end of the day
I will be happy
I will be strong enough
To give up all other desires
I will not envy anyone
I will not be angry at anyone
Who hurls barbs at me
I will give, to those who envy me
I would do all this
And still live, not just exist
If only i had love, was loved
But then imagine the weight
Of expectations
That one love has to bear
**
Beautiful art makes sense
Fuck realism
Who wants to see in art
The horrors they have
Just escaped from?
Fantasies make sense
