Proposing poly-amour

“In its list of 100 things we did not know last year, BBC included a word called compersion. It was a word invented by poly-amorous people. It means the opposite of jealousy. A warm glow when you see the person you love be happy with someone else.”

“What is poly-amorous, in the first place?”

“Having intimate relationships with more than one person.”

“Eww.Would you like it if your boyfriend had an intimate relationship with someone else?”

“No, but that’s only because I am not allowed to have other relationships at the moment.”

“And if you were, would that be all right? Wouldn’t you be jealous?”

“I would be free to see someone else too.”

“But why would   you want to if you already have a loving boyfriend?”

“Because you cannot find everything in one person.What if there is something lacking in a relationship and if you find the exact thing in someone else? Wouldn’t that be a happy solution?”

“Then why would you want to be poly-amorous? Why don’t you go with the second person?”

“Maybe the second person is travelling and doesn’t want to commit. Maybe you have responsibilities and cannot be with the second person all the time.”

“What if the second person displaces the first, what happens to your ‘responsibilities’ then?”

“If you have new friends, does it make you love your old friends less? Why should it be different for a lover?”

“There is a vast difference between friends and lovers. Else we could call our friends our spouses and be done with it. Besides, if you love the first person, why don’t you stay with them and try to work it out?”

“Maybe you cannot work it out. Let’s say you are in a long distance relationship for a very long time. That would leave both of you so lonely. Wouldn’t you both be happier if you could be with someone else who could comfort you in their absence?”

“I would be happier, of course. Everyone needs company, especially when the one you love is inaccessible. But doesn’t that make you disloyal to the first person? And I would hate it if my loved one had someone to fill up my place in their life.”

“You pile up all your eggs in one basket. If it fails, you are left devastated. It shouldn’t be this way! Trying to be happy shouldn’t be disloyal.” 

     “You are missing the beauty of a deep relationship made up brick by brick. Nothing can substitute it.”

“But how many people are lucky to have those happy endings? Look at these couple with one partner in the gulf. They meet after fifteen years with expectations of domestic bliss, and things are just not what they expect. Most of the times, they take out their frustration on each other. What if they were both happy people in love with others, wouldn’t they be kinder to each other?”

“How can you be sure being with more people will make you happy? And how many people, actually, can guarantee happiness? Sometimes one is enough, sometimes a hundred aren’t.”

“If your one relationship doesn’t work out, you think are a failure, as a person, as a woman, as a lover. But maybe it’s not you, maybe it’s the other person, or the situation. But you only get a few chances to prove yourself, and if you marry, only that one chance.  Why can’t you have many chances? The more people you know, the higher your probability of being happy with someone or the other.”

“And what do we do with our ‘failed’ or ‘lukewarm’ or ‘semi-happy’ relations? Stop working on them? Do not forget that love is not an easy task, it needs to be nurtured and preserved.”

“Maybe they won’t fail. Maybe you can learn from your relationship with one person and apply it to another, just like you learn social etiquette from one person and apply it in another setting.”

“Sounds like an excuse for free sex to me, nothing more.”

“And why is free sex a bad thing?”                        

“Because there is no love there, only lust.”

“I don’t subscribe to the idea that sex is mere ‘lust’. Touch is very powerful. It unknots your emotions, inspires you to express your deepest feelings, gives you emotional release, makes you happy. It makes you confident. You may not call it love, but you cannot dismiss it as a ‘merely’ physical act either. Most people remember sex as an intensely emotional experience.”

“Sex might be the solution to one issue, and might be the root of a host of other problems. And have you ever found a society where all this actually works?”

“Yes, several dead religions. Native American, Mesopotamian.”

“There’s a reason they died. Maybe this is it! Jealousy, possessiveness, and insecurity are human nature, you know. Some have more, some have less of them. But everyone has them.”

“Yes, true. But it’s not like this monogamous model has avoided these problems. They are all still here. So you are not adding any new problems by adopting my model.”

“One person is enough already. Why would I want to make matters complicated?”

“Because monogamy is just a construct to control sexual behavior; man is the only monogamous animal in nature. It’s not supposed to be this way!”

“Maybe monogamy is not a construct. People naturally bond in pairs.”

“True, that. But then people also bond in several pairs, not just one. That’s because you cannot stay attracted to the same person all your life. You need other people.”

“That’s what friends are for!”

“But at some point, you are forced to abandon all close friendships but one. Wouldn’t you like all of them to be around? What about that ex you parted with only because she wanted to go abroad? Wouldn’t it be great if you still had warm relations?”

“I still have warm relations with her. We are great friends. ”

“What if you could still be intimate with her even when you are apart and with new people? After all, you care as much about her as when you parted.”

“Yea, sure. And what if my current girlfriend is always being intimate with her ex? I would always be insecure about losing her.”

“And I am always scared of being trapped in a loveless commitment. It would make me happy to know there are ways out, that I can seek other loves if one does not work out.”

“But you are always free to seek out love, you know. People have divorces and affairs all the time.”

 “Yes, but divorces are messy and affairs are not accepted. You can’t go around flaunting two relationships. I want it to be ok to tell people I am seeing many people. I want to experiment. How do you know what you like before you try it? How do I know how my intimate relationship will work out before I try it? But once I try one, it’s like I am stuck with it.”

“Ok, fine. Let’s say you have your way. Society is as you want it to be. But think about this. Which of them will be by your side when trouble strikes?”

“I am confident that people I bond deepest with will be there with me.”

“They won’t be obliged to. Each person may pass the responsibility to another. Now you dismiss marriage as a forced relationship, but in times of need, it is only forced relations that stand by you.”

“I have a best friend. Even if there are hundreds of people around her, I want to be with her when she is in trouble. I am sure you have such friends too. I am sure I will develop such bonds with lovers.”

“But what about responsibilities? Who will take care of the children, for example?”

“I think until now responsibilities have been a problem because women were not financially or socially independent. If a man leaves them, they are helpless. But what if women had all the resources, money, childcare, social support, so that no one is left in the lurch when they are alone.”

“Not every woman has maternal instincts you know.”

“That’s where the childcare and resources comes in.”

“Isn’t that a little too harsh? Men might want to stay and be with their children.”

“Well, that’s ideal. I just meant that women should have the resources as backup because most often childcare is left to women!”

“But what if, say, the man wants to stay but the woman wants to move on? Like two people want the same person at the same time?”

“It can be negotiated.”

“Even in monogamy it can be negotiated, people do it all the time, so what makes polyamoury different?”

“You see, in my model, it’s not either-or. You can alternate between people if that suits everyone.”

“There is no guarantee it will suit everyone.”

“There isn’t. It could go either way. But at least anyone who wants to try it will be able to. ”

 “Even if everyone else is polyamorous, I am not going to give up my monogamous relationship.”

“You shouldn’t have to. Saying everyone should be polyamorous is the same as saying everyone should be monogamous. Different people have different needs. The point is only that none of them should be discriminated against for their choices!”

“I don’t see it happening anytime soon.”

“On the contrary, I see it happening very soon, within our lifetimes. Look at the flexible relationships our youngsters have. They are not impeded by the value barriers that our generation struggles with.”

“But what about the rest of the people? They might pay it lip service, just to be politically correct they may say everyone should have the freedom. But like every other social change, I think it will remain only on paper. It will not really be accepted in mainstream society.”

“We will soon see how well it will be accepted in society.”

“If we all don’t die of jealousy beforehand!”