escaping into forgiveness

I resolved to forgive you long ago
back when I realized
the futility of my resentment
realized that my anger was hurting me
more than it was hurting you

in fact, you did not even know
or care
that i was angry with you
(and never would)

but there is still this
rage at the back of my mind
that bubbles and simmers
and threatens to break out
every time I think of you

i like to believe
i have taken care of it
been busy, got a life,
learnt how to get over it
been generous,
forgotten you, if not forgiven

i like to pretend
it doesn't exist
and on happy days,
i almost succeed

almost,
until the bubbles burst
and the hot red lava
seeps out in my dreams
and suffocates me
until i wake up breathless

no, you will never know
how you are torturing me
yes, i do realize that my rage
is hurting only me

but if i forgive you
just because you don't realize
your own evil
i will be closing my eyes
being an ostrich

forgiveness
without your repentance
forgiveness
without your guilt eating you from inside
and destroying you like it did me
forgiveness
without even your knowledge

seems like just another word for
escapism