the day i m kind

to those who matter
because you are kind to me

Turning 30

To watch 
Proud, independent  friends 
Determined  to find  a mate 
Of their  own choice
Succumb to arranged marriage 
One by one

The cue

Nowadays  it is not  

Your name  being called
By a beloved voice 
That  will wake you up from sleep

It is the anonymous  beep beep
Or the merest suggestion of it
That wakes you up
And makes you flip the cover

(Is he thinking of me yet?)

vagaries of desire

every night this man
moans in agony of desire
that he does not feel
for the woman next to him
who wishes for someone,
anyone,
to touch her

and that the man will not
seek another
for he has spent a lifetime
decrying those who
put a toe out of line
and values what the world thinks of him
more than what he thinks of himself
and he who has never used a finger
to lift so much as a twig
needs her services

and nor will the woman
who has resigned herself
to the fate
of middle-aged women,
grandmothers
who channel their desire for touch
into the innocent touch of little ones

there is nothing for the two of them to do
except for them
to continue to project the image of
a happy family
and question in moments of clarity
if it is not all a sham

except for him to shout at her
every day
apparently because
the peas and carrots
are touching on his plate
but actually
for not being what he wants
for not letting him seek what he wants
by the very fact of being alive

and for her,
not knowing that he is only
venting his frustrated desire on her
to implode
if she does not
wear herself out
with washing his underwear

escaping into forgiveness

I resolved to forgive you long ago
back when I realized
the futility of my resentment
realized that my anger was hurting me
more than it was hurting you

in fact, you did not even know
or care
that i was angry with you
(and never would)

but there is still this
rage at the back of my mind
that bubbles and simmers
and threatens to break out
every time I think of you

i like to believe
i have taken care of it
been busy, got a life,
learnt how to get over it
been generous,
forgotten you, if not forgiven

i like to pretend
it doesn't exist
and on happy days,
i almost succeed

almost,
until the bubbles burst
and the hot red lava
seeps out in my dreams
and suffocates me
until i wake up breathless

no, you will never know
how you are torturing me
yes, i do realize that my rage
is hurting only me

but if i forgive you
just because you don't realize
your own evil
i will be closing my eyes
being an ostrich

forgiveness
without your repentance
forgiveness
without your guilt eating you from inside
and destroying you like it did me
forgiveness
without even your knowledge

seems like just another word for
escapism

Poetry in the blues

you do not  see the poetry
of  our improbability,

do you

if you did you would not 
want to pull us out of it

into happiness

but happiness will fade

inevitably

into complacence

while sorrows live within you
secretly,
forever,
like a child
that never takes birth

one doesn't need much else

to live on,

really,

other than the one big sorrow
of what could have been

With you

With you i can forget everything 
Which is precisely  why i remember  everything 

When i can forget  everything
It also includes things

I am supposed  to hide

Things i am ashamed of  

Things i am supposed to be ashamed of

Things i am told to pretend don't exist

So when i come to you my love

I come  with all my memories  

With my entire  being  

I come whole, complete, and unabashed  

And i remember  everything  

Because  i can

Forget all the rules