Thursday, October 30, 2014

Can you "grow up" with a person you never see?

Shall i tell you one more joke,
You said
I have never heard you laugh,
You said

And you my best friend of 
Fifteen years

There is something wrong
When you grow up
So far apart from
The one closest to you

I could not piece together
From the sketches of you
(Scattered over yahoo
And then facebook
And then whatsapp)
The big picture
Of how you smile, how you talk
How you wink, how you walk

And the photo of the big smile
Apparently did not deliver 
The sound to you

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

A tragedy

Is also source of wisdom
A place to draw from
A thing to orient 
Yourself around

And secretly,
A thing of pride

(That you would rather not have
But are proud to have weathered)

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

When the road inside is blocked

What happens when
The only person you trust
Does not like you
Runs away from your conpany
Refuses to help you
Looks at you with pity and deprecation.

And that person is yourself

What happens when
Your only refuge,
The place inside you,
Is destroyed?


You were the straw

I clutched when 
Violent stormy seas
Tossed me from side to side

How could i know
That after holding on for long,
The straw would become my harbor.
The dam to stormy seas within me.

If you have many ports
Calling out to you already
You may choose the safest

But if you don't,
The straw takes on
Gargantuan proportions

That so confounds outsiders

talking to many people

Just to fill the void of one absence

Trading

Life stories

You look at old chats

And think,
Words, just words

Where did all that excitement
You remember
Come from?

You are leaving me for ever

And i am losing
The one certainty of my life

A ship is safe at the harbor,
They say,
But that is not what ships are built for

And you, my harbor.

Perhaps i am meant to know
What floundering in the sea really means

Or perhaps i too,
Am meant to have an adventure
(A real adventure this time,
Because in every past thrust away
I have had you to come back to)


The psychologist of fantasies

When the weight of secrets
Begins to drag you
Down to unconsciousness,
Erupts in angry red rashes
All over your body,
Shoots up as bile and spoils your dinner
(And everyone else's),
Puffs up your lips to
Inhuman sizes.

Even talking to someone
And offloading
Becomes a fantasy.

You begin vetting
Every person you know

She will try to hush you up
Say thus is life, don't cry
And don't tell anyone

He will dismiss it
With a smirk or his lips
As if it means nothing

She will judge you
Bring it up in every
Future conversation
And point out
Where you went wrong

He will be shocked
Slap you and refuse to
Let you live your life
Vent all his misplaced anger
On the undeserving you

Maybe a psychologist
Can help you
But you think and think
And finally think
They are just doing their job
They don't care they are not
Interested

And then you realize
All you want is
A little interest
(Just one spark 
of genuine interest)
A litte understanding
A little empathy

And ultimately,
Because you cannot imagine
Falling into the arms of your
Psychiatrist
(Or psycho therapist or whatever)
And the overwhelming feelings
Not being reciprocated,
You decide against it.
And turn to the only place left:
Inwards.

All you want is a little love
(But a hug will do)


Sunday, October 26, 2014

The finity of experience

When someone says
We did this for tihar
During my childhood

You imagine years and years 
Of childhood
Filled with fun and frolic
Where they did these awesome things
Every day

But when you look back
You realize that 
Childhood is only twelve years
Four of which they are 
In no condition to remember
Two of which they probably did not celebrate
Due to deaths
(Or births, which is wierd)

So that leaves just six

And when you count it out like that
When the finite number actually stares you in the face
You think, that's it?
I did it only six times?

Count out the number of times you kissed
In a short three week relationship
That you thought was the deepest
And you ask yourself
So that's it? 
That's all it was about?

Counting always seems to
Take away from the mythologizing of it all
(Sorry numbers, actually i love you.
But can't find anything else to hit here)

How did you guess my secret?

Maybe what you said was
Nothing out of the ordinary

And i was only startled because
It hit too close to home

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Because i don't trust you

I want to keep a secret from you

But because i want you to think
I have an interesting life
I also want you to find out
That i am keeping a secret from you

Friday, October 17, 2014

Sunday, October 12, 2014

I want to leave

Everything to fate.

Or rather,
To your fate

Because unlike mine
Which has proven
To be spectacularly
Unreliable

Yours is clear and strong
And hopefully, will carry
The broken splinters of my line
Through

Thursday, October 9, 2014

I say there are no fights with you

But the truth is, you always let me win

Twisted teenage

When
You are in denial
About what makes you happy

Because
(Like siddhartha)
You believe
The pleasures of intimacy
Are to be conquered,
Not to be indulged

And the effort to reconcile
The constant denial
In sharp cotrast
To your desire
Just about kills
Every chance
Of a healthy social life

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

attraction to a flailing man

fades as soon as he finds his feet

is there a name for this?
some kind of disorder, perhaps?

Distance makes the heart grow number

Having waited so long
I think i have gotten used it

Finally meeting you
Would be like a person 
Coming out of jail 
After twenty years

Everything i know about you
Will be gone
And i will have
No ground to stand upon

"Wish you were here"
Is just an expression

If you were here,
I don't think i would
Know what to do



The world may wonder

What i see in you

But people with a hole
In their heart
Look only, and only
For healing

I hold your hands

Not to show you my love
But to keep them from wandering
:P