a step back for perspective

Railing against the previous generation
Questioning them every day
Wondering why they call themselves
liberal or educated or whatever they call themselves
when they are so limited
and cannot do what you want them to do

Until you take a step back and realize
what great leaps they took in their time
to arrive at where they are
and that somewhere along they way they tired
and said, this far and no further

And that it is our job
to take the next step

And perhaps we are becoming the same
staying true to the ideals of your generation
while not taking the step further
into the seemingly wild and frivolous
and totally unnecessary ideas of the next generation

to each generation their own liberation
may we learn not to judge

adulthood

when you come to accept
see the reason for
make peace with
and find excuses for

things you once railed against

understand that you have arrived

original sins

Everyone except the Brahmin male
has stories of why
they are the way they are
why they have as little as they have
why they are left out
disadvantaged

these stories compare them
to the brahmin - chhetri man

(And if you do not have these stories
you know you are on top of the pyramid)

why do the sarangi players
not have any land?
Because when the god was distributing wealth
the sarangi player, the kanchho bhai
(the disenfranchised is always the kanchho,
the youngest)
was running around playing the sarangi
too lost in his own music, 
he missed his chance

the damaha player will tell you
something very similar
about how the elder brother
loved his younger brother who missed out
and said, little one
you will get something from each of us
you won't have any land to till
but you can entertain us in exchange
and so for playing the drum
everyone was supposed to give him
some of their produce every year
but not everyone loved the little one
as much as the trend setter
and when famine strikes
or when your own family grows
to squabble over land and produce
guess whose name gets
cut off from the list first

the Newars, they will tell you
how they were vanquished
and their mighty civilization
laid to ruins

 the Rai will tell you
how the rais loved their land
and did not go out to seek
more than what they had
brahmins are adventurers,
they will tell you
going where no one goes
talking, negotiating,  settling
and leaving
many cleverer peoples behind

the Limbus might also tell you
how stubborn and unambitious
they were in these matters
and how they refused to listen
to these sense of exploring


and the women,
even the women of the brahmins
have something to say about
why they lack
what the menfolk have
they were always busy
doing this and that
for example the business
of extracting oil from mustard
back when there were no mills
was extremely laborious
the oil dripped into your jar
drop by drop
and dozens of women went together
to a little mill
to get their jars filled for the month
or even a week
our mothers, they said
were always busy doing pressing for the oil
that is why they could never attend
the sabha where the gods were announcing
who would get what
and so they missed out
on lands and property

these are stories
old, old, old stories
passed down from generations
today most of them are replaced by
how they lack education
and how that has deprived them
of opportunities

#folktales i collected
#finding a pattern
#looking for more

#inadequacy #inferiority #complex
#disadvantaged #disenfranchised
#divine explanations for #social problems
#if only this hand't happened
#wishful thinking #achronic utopia

today #feels

today it feels like
i will give up everything
for you

i know you do not want it, but

today when i wake up sobbing
to dreams of you
when melancholy songs
remind me of you
when your absence hurts
with an aching pain

today i would exchange everything
for one moment with you
for one of your smiles

post script:
if i miss you,
am i allowed to tell you
how much i miss you?

(I guess not)

maybe i don't love you enough
to break your rules
or maybe i love you enough
to set you free

You may try to hide

You may try to be
something else

But i see it in your eyes
who you are
what you think of
what you dream of

I could

swear on everything i hold sacred
except that i don't
hold anything sacred any more

contraception commotion

The raging discussion
was about who should buy condoms

(this only applies to women
who have the choice
and are not forced to take pills
or insert an IUD so that
the man isn't discomfited by rubber)

on the one hand
why shouldn't women buy them?
why should women feel ashamed
of saying condom out loud?
why are we made to feel ashamed
of even saying sanitary pad out loud?

i would like to graduate from a girl
who says 'tyo dinus na'
and goes red in the face
and has the sanitary pads
wrapped in newspapers
and hides it in the depths of her bag
to the girl who says confidently
"chocolate flavor"

but then again why should women
have that extra responsibility?
they have a lot to worry about anyway
and men have just one job
to make sure she does not get pregnant

maybe i will be able to say
chocolate flavor
out loud and confidently
but still i would be ashamed
that my man makes me do the donkey work
i would feel so much more cared for
if he has the sense and the responsibility
to think of me and care about me enough
to make sure i am safe

i wish i could say
to each woman her own contraceptive
and end it there

but the bigger question here is
who is the feminist?
what would a feminist do?
a feminist of course
would not be ashamed of
shopping for her own contraceptives
or doing something considered
'a man's job'
having a man do it may be considered
old fashioned and chivalrous

but then again feminism doesn't mean
letting men off the hook
yes, women can do everything that men can
earning money, building homes, parenting,
everything that is socially mandated

but then biology is beyond sociology
and this is biology
just as a woman is responsible for
childbirth and conception
why isn't a man responsible for
contraception
after all, though they are equal partners
it is the woman who suffers
if it goes wrong
so as equal partners why doesn't the man
think of the woman's extra burden
and be extra responsible?

and then again,
to each woman her own contraceptive
and to each woman
her own feminism as well

Post script: biased perhaps by the
cringe worthy memory of a man saying
"i was too ashamed to ask for it"

Spirals

At first we said
women are oppressed in patriarchy

Then we found out there were women
as patriarchal as men

Then we said patriarchy
is entrenched in women
and that they are not educated
to know what is what

Then we looked for agency
in that entrenched behaviors

If you made it a point
and a point of pride
to fulfill all the duties
that patriarchy set you
and you had not the choices
that i have
but in your little circumference
of ascribed values
if you aimed to be the best
if that was the only way
your ambitions
your talents and your strengths
flourished

who am i to judge
whether you were ruining yourself
by furthering the patriarchy
or whether you were  doing
the best you could do for youself
for love, respect,
and your own womanhood

who am i to look at you
with the eyes of today
and say you were uneducated
when you were the wisest
anyone could be

and so we are back to square one
where you limited agency
doesn't really change the
scheme of things
and only your daughters
and all the daughters of the future
can see
how much you bore on your
shoulders
to live a life of dignity
when there were so few ways
to do so

Fine lines

When he says and does
Unspeakable things to her
And she goes back to him

I tell her she isn't
Standing up for herself

She tells me she always
Stands for love
Which is also
Standing for herself

Who am i to say
What's love and
What's abuse

Timbu

i walk for days
limbs tired
skin sweaty
longing all the while

for a glimpse
of the little lake

On top of the mountain
so pure
so clean
through its water
i can see the glittering jewels
lying at its bottom
i can see the green hills around
reflected in its eyes

i carry the lake
in my heart

and when i see it i know
i can dive into it for hours
to the world it is a tiny bit of water but
i can go deeper and deeper down
and it will always open up
new depths for me
like your heart that always has
new doors for me to explore

its crisp coldness
encircling me like a warmth
like your memory
always keeping me company

and yet it is beyond me
there is always more of it
than i will ever know
like your eyes with
their guarded gaze

the stillness of the water
That will hold for me

No matter what storm

Rages outside

it is home
it is heaven
it is where i am safe
it is where i leave
all impurities behind
it is where i know
nothing can touch me
nothing will mark me

from here i emerge
purified
energized
strengthened
radiant

it is what your soul
means to me

shaila shikhar dhura

he did not like how
in the vale below
the waters of the palace above
flowed over him

so he walked up
and up and up
to a place where nothing polluted
could pollute him

and there he stayed
where the air was cold
the earth was fresh
and the snow crisp and white

Living in Nepal

Is like living in the center of the world

Everything is so perfectly aligned....

The cold mountains on the top,
gradually gradate to low hills
and plains with warm breeze
the rivers all flow southwards

this
is not just geography
but philosophy
theosophy
teleology
like this is how it was
all meant to be

wonder what it would be like
to have mountains in the middle of nowhere
rivers flowing in every which direction
the sun rising in the midnight or
setting at mid day