Wednesday, March 16, 2022

Measuring loves

 It is hard to say who I love more

 

I  guess it is not a question of more or less

The question is not objective,

it is subjective

It is about how I feel about

All each person


I used to think

that I love them so much

A new one will never take that place

That I will always be ready to drop

The new life

Like a hot potato

If they need me

 

Indeed, the opposite has happened

And I am ready to drop them

Like a hot potato

If she needs me

 

That doesn't mean

I love them any less

It just means that I feel 

Duty and rseponsibility

Differently

That I feel more responsible

For a helpless one

But they are still them

For whom I will give up everything


And where is he

For whom I will drop nothing

Give up nothing

I don't think I will 

And yet, without him

There is no happiness

There is no solace


And yet, even with 

Happiness and solace

I am still 

Undone 

Still soulless

Without

You


And when I think of

The one person

Who is in my soul

The one person

Whose happiness matters to me

The one friend who I wish to talk to every day

The one  who takes my thoughts

Puts them into order

And gives them back to me

The one who is at my center

Despite

Those who come and go

Those who I will serve

Those who make me happy

That one

That one is only you



Monday, March 7, 2022

Crumbs

I live on your crumbs

How dare I
Hope for half the bread

Rather than

The waves of hope
Cresting and crashing
Every few days

Takes too much
Out of me
Every time

And the next time
The waves rise lower
And the crash is softer

Only to rise with a vengeance
Somewhere else

Why not
Let them
Be still
Forever

I have injured you

Enough 

Burden

I have tried so hard
To only give you love
And no burdens

Only to have the whole world
Foist its burden of expectations
On you


To talk

Is to hit
The same wall
Again and again

If I knew that

My life would not be my own
And that you would gladly
Put my life 
In the hands of others
I would not
Have chosen this life

To be unfeeling

I hope
Only to be disappointed

I expect
Only to be turned away

I am enthusiastic
Only to be shushed down

I suggest
Only to be rejected

I am possessive
Only for my possessions to be trammelled

I am decisive
Only for my decisions to be overruled

I love
Only to be brushed off

Why then
Should I feel

Isn't it just easier
To be a stone

So that I am
Neither disappointed
Nor turned away
Nor shushed down
Nor rejected
Nor trammelled
Not overruled
And not brushed off

Why do I always bother you

When I know it leads nowhere

And I only end up bothering you....

Living in shadow

Of something so great

That I am invisible 

I decided to die

Because to live is to feel

And who wants to feel....