Thursday, July 20, 2017

पूरा सपना

बाल्यकालमै भनौं एउटी केटीले
आँखाबाट झरेको परेली टिपेर
कलिलो मनको एउटै मात्रै
ईच्छाको भारी त्यसलाई बोकाएर
फू गरेर उडाइदिएकी थिई

आकांक्षाहरु भारी भएता पनि
उसको मन शायद चंगा थियो
र त्यो परेली उड्दै गएर
उसको अभिष्ट पूरा गरेरै छोड्यो

तर केटीलाई के थाहा
पूरा भएको एउटा लालसाले
उसको जिन्दगी अधुरो बनाउनेछ

किनकी त्यो उसको सपना मात्रै थिएन
दुइ हात जोडेर नतमस्तक भएर
उसले मागेकी थिइ एउटा वरदान
संसारका सबै शक्तिहरुसँग
र राखेकी थिई एउटा शर्त
यति पूरा भएमा जिन्दगीमा
अरु केही माग्ने छैन

उसलाई के थाहा जिन्दगीमा
त्यस्ता अभिलाषा त कति आउँछन्

कति त यति बलवान हुन्छन् नि
ती ईच्छा मात्रै भनिंदैनन्,
भाग्यरेखा झैं  बनेर उसलाई डोर्याउँछन् ।
कुनै अनजान समुद्रको आँधीले
उसलाई उचाालेर पछारिरहँदा
उ कामना गर्नेछे एउटा त्यान्द्रोको
जसलाई समातेर उ किनारा लाग्न सकोस्।

तर त्यो प्रबल जिजिविषालाई जोगाउन
अब उ माग्न सक्दिन कुनै शक्तिसँग केही

किनकी जिन्दगीको
आदि अन्त्य त्यसैलाई ठानेर
उसले आफ्नो पहिलो वरदान
मागिसकेकी छे
र पूरा भएको त्यही याचना नै
उसको अन्तिम हुनेछ

र अब उसले पुकारा गर्ने
कुनै देउता पनि त बाँकी छैन

Monday, July 17, 2017

She followed

She followed a man here
Into this desolate place
She followed a man here
And then she lost him

A man who perhaps knows
That she followed

Perhaps she is a little
More than slightly mad
To follow a man here
Who forgot about her

But then
She followed a poet here
And poetry floods her life
In this desolate place
That she followed him to

we

when they received
a birthday gift

for either one
(months apart)
they thanked their givers
as a unit
"we have never had
something so pretty"
in vain the giver will
try to convince them
that the gift is for
one person to enjoy alone,
they had pooled
their resources forever,
and now took each other's
permission at every occasion

I stay,

They dance in a rhythm
That the body knows as if on its own
Because it is so easy to learn,
So intuitive
And they dance it slow, slow
So slow that it is not even a dance
Nobody would want to watch it on stage
But they don't care who is watching
They dance for the rhythm
Letting the body feel it and sway with it
They dance for the company
Linking their arms with the next person
And they dance it slow
Becaue they don't want to be tired
Even after hours of dancing
Gaining reassurance 
Of their place in the world
As the night draws to a close
Gaining a love that will
For ever after run in their veins
And most importantly,
Gaining roots
Which there is no other way to gain

And they sing songs
Songs that say everything there is to say
not a word out of place
and not a feeling missed
perfected from generations of practice
encapsulating all the wisdom
all the guidance
you might need at any point in life
all the love
you believe you are
the only person to discover
all the sorrow
that life surprises you with
all the perspective
to deal with it

I shiver

it is the only time i feel alive

and then i cry silent tears
because we are losing it all
first of all,
losing the emotional intensity
that waits for these songs
that draws from these songs
to last all year
we don't need it any more
we have other things to occupy us
entertain and guide us
and that is everything
that we lose

Why did i never hear before
A song that says
That when you plant a short sheaf of rice
It grows to look like a horse's tail
And then it grows as yellow
As the gold ring in your nose
When did i stop needing
To know how beautifully
My food grows
How come my heart
Was never clenched
By how goddesses too felt sad
To leave their mother's home
How come i never asked my sister
How we would meet this year
And how many children she had 
After we last met
And tell her how much i care for her,
Enough to give up my child for her

How come i never ever heard these songs?

And then i cry because
It might be the last time i hear it

Any time i hear one of these songs
Is the last time it might be heard on earth


Saturday, July 15, 2017

preoccupations

the redeeming power of love
the dread at small talk
the struggle with communication,
especially professional
the coming to terms with grief
the concern that i do it to soon
the barrier around secrets
the resentment at limitations

just a few of my preoccupations
that i think are newly discovered
every day

but looking back at my poems
show they have been here forever
and are perhaps at my core

You were enough

Now I look back and see that
I wrote so little
when you were beside me

And even those
were of not much
quality, intensity
or even length

Another proof
That I didn't need anything
Not even the vent of poetry
When I had you

battle of

we always find ways
to make it a battle of
us against the world

the lonely versus the families
the queers versus the cisgenders
the islanders versus the mainlanders
the rootless versus the rooted

and I who am so comfortable ensconed
in everything the world has to offer
also find a way to say
me versus the patriarchy

and those lucky few who are
at the top of the pyramid
will find ways to invert it all
and wow us to boot with
the sad drunk versus the unfeeling world

the poet

he wears his youth
like an armor
something that protects
his worn, wizened within
that he will not
allow to be seen

only his eyes
speak of his weariness

the writer

old, yet young
tender, yet formidable
the delicacy of her features
offset by the surety
of her gaze

unsettled
and unsettling
never finding satisfaction
in any man, woman,
thing, emotion
that comes her way

making everyone else
feel like cowards
for giving in to
complacency
mediocrity
easy soft pillows of
love and affection

feared for doing so
and yet, loved, too,
for the same

If i could un know some things

Warning :
Graphic and violent

I would un know first of all
The little boy who had
Acquired some puppies
Was not allowed to keep them
And so volunteered to
Dispose of them himself
Tied it to the end of a rope
And wailed as he pulled it

I would un know
His excitement as he got the puppies
And then his disappointment
And then his self inflicted torture
And then the fact that he had
No grown up who loved him enough
To do it for him,
Or attempt to shield him
From so much trauma

And then i would un know
The realization that this was
Just a regular day for him
And his life bereft of affection
Held horrors far greater

And finally i would forget for ever
That his world lives besides mine
And the two worlds never intersect
Unless i choose to
(Which i usually don't)
And that he and scores
no, hundreds,
no, thousands
ok, innumerable
people walk around with
stones for hearts
weighed down by terrible memories
that they will never speak of
being unused to affection

If i could un know all of this
I wouldn't have to make the effort
Of masking overlooking whitewashing

How peaceful i would be then

Wanderlust

I would like to write
Of what is within me
Yet i seem to seek
Constant stimulations
From outside
To set the tinder alight

One wish

If i could have one wish,
Just one,
I would wish for easy deaths
For me and the few people i love

Reading arundhati roy

The unkempt woman
Messy hair, unflattering clothes
Wears no makeup,
Couldn't care less
Smokes beedi and drinks local
Exceptionally foul mouthed
Scorns male attention because
She is focused  on her work
On behalf of the disadvantaged
Ageing and yet attractive
To the point of obsessing 
Multiple men for life

Does she even exist in real life?
Or am i foolish even to ask that
From a work declared to be fictional?

Somehow she makes me feel like
My life ks worthless
If i cannot be any of it

Despite that i find her highly attractive
And admirable and would fall for her
But i am not the normal man
Of the subcontinent
(Or even the world, for that matter)

Such men do exist in real life though,
Where they are as mythologized
As in the writer's imagination

But it will take centuries
Of such autobiographical
(Or so it seems)
Projection by women writers
(Men too, project the strong
Idealistic and committed heroine
But they are pretty and not ageing)
For the idea to really catch on
In real life, i think

I would applaud it when it happens
The sooner the better,
So that i too can shave my head and
Let my eyebrow grow and
Still be considered attractive 
But i don't think it is happening
In my lifetime at least

Thursday, July 13, 2017

A certain kind of man

That feels victorious
Only when he has defeated
City women
(The prettier thr better)

He needs to defeat everyone,
Of course,
Whether in argument or in decisions
And cannot stand
Any woman with a voice
But singles out city women
For particular harassment

The kind of man that
Aspires to be alpha
But takes only its aggression
Ignoring that it is
As much kindness and
Consideration

#two in twenty, im guessing
#enough to make life hell

A song sung

Ever familiar words
Come alive
And show you
What they really mean
And what they can achieve

#turning an advocate of free verse
Into a lover of lyrics
#upending a disbeliever's faith

#chapala abala

Saturday, July 8, 2017

आमाको कृष्णचरित्र



बाह्र वर्ष भयो दिदी भेट नभया
तम दिदी कति पुत छन
दिदी
तम दिदी कति पुत छन

पहिलीको पुत मेरो सूर्य कि ज्योती
मारदियो कनिस पापीले
बुदी
मारदियो कनिस पापीले

यो कथा नयाँ होइन
थुप्रै किताबमा लेखिएको छ
उनका सात छोरा कसरी मारिए भनेर
त्यो गल्लीमा हिंड्ने बच्चा बच्चालाई थाहा छ

तर कुनै किताबमा तिमीले पाउनेछैनौ
आमाको वेदनाको गीत
र आठौं सन्तानलाई बचाउनका लागि
बहिनीसंग मिलेर दिदीले गरेको उद्यम

आमाहरु जब गीत गाउन थाल्छन्
उनीहरुले गाउने रहेनछन्
राजा र गद्दिका कथा
युद्ध र वीरताका गाथा
उनीहरु गाउँछन्, आमाको वेदना
दिदीको विलाप बहिनीको रक्तश्राव
प्रेमिकाको इशारा र पत्नीको बुद्धिमता
एक अर्कालाई सम्हाल्ने र जीवन दान दिने महिला

तम पुत भया हम पाली दिउँला
हम कन्या मानाकी दिउँला
दिदी
हम कन्या मानाकी दिउँला

दुःख पोख्ने ठाउँ कतै नहुँदा
भित्र भित्रै कुँडिए पनि भो
अथवा
बाहिर पड्किएर जले पनि भयो
तर त्यो गरेनन् हाम्रा आमाहरुले
सबै वेदनाको उनीहरुले गीतै गाए।

माइतीको मायाबाट टाढा जान मन छैन छोरीलाई
तर उनी गाउँछिन् गीत राम र सीताको
र बताउँछिन्
एकैछिन् बसेर बाबालाई पुज्ने र आमालाई ढोग्ने ईच्छा

रामज्यूका रथ कसिया
सीता रानी, कतनी छ बेर?
सीता रानी, कतनी छ बेर?”

बुवाज्यूकी दियेली पुजन्छु
इजु माइ नी हुडी ढोग दिन्छु
इजु माइ नी हुडी ढोग दिन्छु

ज्ञानी बुद्धिमती छिन् आमा
तर कसेले सोध्दैन उनको ज्ञान र बुद्धि
चारैतिरबाट छेकिएकी बेरिएकी
आमा गाउँछिन् आफ्नै गीत
जहाँ छन् आमाहरु सम्मानित र पूजित
उनको गीतमा सीताले
सपना देखिन रे जंगलको
र वनवासको नाम सुन्नु भन्दा अघि नै
पाइन् भविष्यको आभास
थाहा पाइन कि सुखी देखिने उनको संसार
त्यती सुरक्षित छैन

आमा गीतमा नाम लिन्छिन् सुलोचनाको
र एकपटक रामायण पल्टाएर हेर्नै पर्यो मैले
को हुन यी पात्र भनेर
इन्द्रजीत भनिने रावणपुत्र मेघनादका दसौं नाम छन्
तर वाल्मिकीले उसकी पत्नीको नाम
एकपटक पनि लिनु उचित ठानेनन्।
हाम्रा आमाले मात्रै बचाएर राखेका छन्
झण्डै बिर्सिएकी सुलोचनाको कथा
जसकहाँ पतिको हात उडेर पुग्यो
र लेख्यो आफ्नै मृत्युको कहानी
र आलसतालस भएको लंकापति रावणले होइन
त्यसरी दिव्यदृष्टि झैं पाएकी सुलोचनाले
उद्धार गरेर गरिन् वीर पतीको सद्गति

उनीहरु गाउँछन् गीत यशोदाको
जसले दिइन् आफ्नी छोरीको बलिदान
सात छोरा गुमाएकी दिदीका लागि

तम पुत भया हम पाली दिउँला
हम कन्या मानाकी दिउँला
दिदी
हम कन्या मानाकी दिउँला
किताबले त भन्नेछन्
थाहै नपाइ जन्मेकी छोरीलाई
अर्काको छोरासंग साटेर लैजाँदा
यशोदा सुतिरहेकी थिइनः
अबोध, अनजान, अनभिज्ञ

किताबले यो पनि भन्नेछन्
कि देवकी जेलमा थिईन्
आठौं पुत्र गर्भमा हुँदा कसरी भेट्न सक्छिन्
बहिनी देवकीलाई नदी किनारमा?
कसरी रच्न सक्छिन् त्यत्रो षडयन्त्र?
  सात पुत थिया मेरा कनिसले हर्यो
आठौं पुत यो बोझा भार
बुदी
आठौं पुत यो बोझा भार
आठौं पुत्र बचाउनु त भगवानको लीला हो
र जे हुनु थियो त्यही भयो!
तर पनि आमाहरु त
बच्चाको ज्यान जोगाउने
दिदी र बहिनीकै गित गाउँछन्।
आफना मारने बिराना पालने
को होली बाबकी दिया
बुदी
को होली बाबकी दिया

आफना मारने बिराना पालने
म हुँलो बाबकी दिया
बुदी
म हुँलो बाबकी दिया

कसरी भेट भए दिदी बहिनी 
भनेर सोध्दा एउटी आमाले भनिनः
सपनामा होला कि?
दुइ बहिनी काँ होली भिट
दुइ बहिनी काँ होली भिट
खैरी भिट ताँ लै नहुली
खैरी भिट ताँ लै नहुली
(“केदारमा जाँत छैन यो साल, त्यहाँ भेट नहुने भो  दिदी
बुवाज्यूका घर सौतेनी आमा, त्यहाँ भेट नहुने भो दिदी
गंगा र जमुनाको जहाँ हुन्छ भेट,
त्यहीं भेटौंला बहिनी, त्यहीं भेटौंला “)

हो पक्कै,
आठौं पुत्र गर्भमा हुँदा
बन्दी बनेकी देवकी जान सक्दिनन् नदी किनारमा
गर्न सक्दिनन् बहिनी सामु विलाप
यो त सपनामा मात्रै हुन सक्छ।

कथामा पनि नारीको शक्ती
सपनामा र तर्कनामा नै भेटिंदो रहेछ
सीमानामा मात्रै बस्दो रहेछ

यी कथा किताबमा लेखिएका कथा झैं पुराना पनि हुन सक्छन्
र लेख्ने बेलामा लेखन्दासले तिनीहरुलाई नछानेको पनि हुन सक्छ
अथवा आफ्नो शक्ति र सामर्थ्यको ठाउँ 
आमाहरुले अन्त कतै नपाएपछि
उनीहरुले यी कथा पछि बनाएका पनि हुन सक्छन्

संसारले बोकाएका भारको विरोध गर्न
कसैले सम्मान नदिएपछि
आफ्नो मान अभिमान कायम राख्न
उनीहरुले बनाएका हुन सक्छन् देवी देवताको गीत
किनकी देवताको गित गाउनुमा केही दोष देखिंदैन
र आफूले आफ्नै आकृतिमा बनाएका देवताले दिन्छन् सधैं
जीवनमा आइलागेको जे सुकै सामना गर्ने शक्ति
र आफ्नो शक्तिको गीत दिनरात गाएपछि लाग्छ
आफूलाई मात्रै होइन सबैलाई पत्यार, त्यो शक्तिमा

हुन त कथामा पनि नारीको शक्ती
सपनामा र तर्कनामा नै भेटिंदो रहेछ
सीमानामा मात्रै बस्दो रहेछ

तर कलाले देखाउने धमिलो ऐनामा
पूर्ण समाज देख्नु छ भने
आमा दिदी बहिनी
पत्नी र प्रेमिकाको पनि कथा सुन्नु छ भने
त्यही सीमानामा नखोजी नहुने रहेछ)

यस्तो छ मेरो स्टोरीको एंगल
यो रिपोर्ट कसरी गर्ने होला बताइदिनुहोस् न!

Courage

Tomorrow i will pray for courage
To face you in full control of senses
And to confess to your face