Saturday, April 29, 2017

Lying to oneself

When the teacher's back was turned
They started playing,
Throwing balls of mud at each other,
Laughing and winking

He saw she never took part in any of it
Always sitting quietly in a corner
Working, working
Eating little
Smiling rarely
Wearing always an overall
Over plain colors
Treating every offer of love
And every derisive comment
With the same disdain

She was radiant,
Radiant with the brightness
Of an inner light
Like a lotus floating on muddy waters
She seemed to float,
Untouched by the filth in the world
Undaunted by the pulls of
Desire and greed
That sways ordinary mortals

His heart swelled with reverence
For her

Everyday he wanted to
Work up the courage to talk to her
And never could
And went away thinking
Of himself as
A worshipper of austerity
Like hers

And always thought of the marriage
(That he went into willingly)
As one foisted upon him
And tried to live an austere lifestyle
That would make her proud

Trying to deny his impulses,
Being miserable in his own loneliness
When he succeeded
And blaming others when he failed

She never married,
The sculptress

And he who thought he would
Renounce everything
To be her equal
Did everything but
Took pleasure in nothing
Because he considered the material
To be beneath him
(Or
thought he ought to think so)

Leaving him confused
About what it all meant
And wondering if
His life was worse than hers

At the end of the day,
What did he gain from
This self delusion
Except a glorified image of himself
That he could not reconcile with?
And a false legacy
For his successors to grapple with?

What does anyone gain
By glorifying renunciation
That is only the bastion
Of the dedicated few?

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

choosing my battles


a wise person once said,
life is short, choose you battles wisely

how long can i stand up
for what I believe in, care about
before I get tired?
before I  get discouraged?
before I am weighed down
by daily life, bread and butter?
before I face the reality
that I cannot win this war alone?

what if I eventually start believing
that the war can never be won?
what if I give up?

will I have let them win?

o henry

he wrote of a girl in white
and a boy who was out
to wreck mischief upon the world
but stopped just because
he saw the girl
who made him feel like
he was made for better things

it is time to reverse the roles, perhaps
and speak of the man
(may or may not be in white)
who makes the girl feel like
the world is an alright place to be
that peace may be found after all
and that she can do better

with you

There were times when
I felt guilty to be happy
because you were
the opposite of happy
and i was not there
to ease your burden

not that i can
ease your burden now
but at least i am
free to grieve with you
And no private happiness
Weighs me down

**


हुन त अहिले पनि
म कहाँ बाँड्न सक्छु र
तिम्रो मनको बोझ

तर कम्तिमा म छु तिमीसंगै
खुशीको कुनै बोझ छैन
 
र स्वतन्त्र मेरा भावना
दिन पाएको छु तिमीलाई नै

she is athena

the protector of girlhood
and motherhood
and nothing in between

Sunday, April 23, 2017

that endearing you

that so easily erases
the boundaries between
timi and tapai
tapai and timi

and makes you and me
friends

रुखो बनाएकै छु, धेरै साल लगाइ

तिमी र म एकै ठाउँ जाँदै थियौैं
तर हामी संगै थिएनौं

तिमी र म एकै शहरमा थियौैं
तर पनि संगै थिएनौं

त्यस्तो पहिले कहिल्यै भएको थिएन

मैले त निन्द्रामा  पनि तिम्रै नाम लिएँ रे

अनि मैले थाहा पाएँ

तिमीलाई गुमाउनलाई
निकै अगाडि देखि
रुखो बनाउन खोजेको
मेरो मनले त
मानेकै रहेनछ

तयारी त पुगेकै रहेनछ

(quoting bartika rai in title)

Saturday, April 22, 2017

I oughta

Leave the young thang alone
(But this heart aint no home)

- bill withers

Under currents

She watches him watch the tv
From the corner of her eyes
And the next time he walks
The gangsta walk
She knows where he got it from

She sees the little girl next door
Tell a story
And when she hears it from him
With great conviction
She knows how far
He has gone from her

**
I thought i knew you best
In this whole wide world
No one knew you better than me

And yet i knew you not
As a mother knows her child,
I found out
**
When you started taking me
To places you heard about
I should  have asked you where
you heard about them
When you got the travel bug
I knew it wasn't my type
And when i saw your scars
I knew i would never give you them

And yet i did not know you enough
To follow these currents back
To where they came from
**
Your shifty eyes
Should have given you away
Time and again
And yet they did not
For i did not know you
As well as your mother did
Even though i thought
I knew you best
**

Wendy's mother
opened up wendy's mind
and saw peter pan inside

When I opened up your mind,
I did see some strange things in there
but not strange people

Wendy's mother 
would not have been 
puzzled by the things
as I was
**

When did you start  
moving away from me?
when did you start
accumulating strangers in there?
And how did I not realize?

And why was I 
completely taken aback
when these strangers confronted me
and more than that, 
when I was faced
with your love for them
far more than any love
i had known from you

How did you manage to
hide the strangers from me?
**

Of course, 
I am not wendy's mother
But still I thought I knew you best
Apparently it's never enough
Apparently a mother can
not be replaced

And i thought I could
make up for what you lost
(Apparently not)

I could say i was going to,
and you did not let me
(that's how i justify it
to myself)

But if I had loved you best
I would not have left

Wendy' mother
would not have left
just because she found
peter in there

Oh well

At least you know i exist

Friday, April 21, 2017

Smitten

Once i asked you
What your expressions
of love meant

Whether
that you loved me
or whether
that you wanted me to 
shower you wiyh affection 
 
Because
I had the creepy feeling
That it was rather the latter
Your 'love'
simply meant
you expected me to fulfill
all the lovely duties
you had ever seen and heard about

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

(As if)

I have not the courage
to write in first person

Love, accidentally

Apparently i always say
What if the housemaid's card
Wasn't among the few
That were selected for the
Prime minister's viewing
But then life is just as random
What if there was not the
Series of random coincidences
That led me to you?

Mobility, lack of

Watching hot young
Neighbourhood shopkeepers
Become middle aged
and pot bellied

They change
But their job doesn't
Taking with it
Their promise of
Flying out and
Exploring the world

reflecting on fountainhead

On the days I get
too wrapped up in work to think
I think of fountainhead
that messed up my mind
in so many ways

I think of the girl who gets jilted
(for a glamorous heroine
who does not work, by the way
her only role seems to be
to be the hero's muse)
and so she decides to
busy herself in work
and so she loses
her humanity and femininity
am i becoming like her?
this woman sarcastically portrayed
as a woman without a soul
but with a sour grapes syndrome
should i not be so busy in work?
is my work a result of my resentment
with the world in general
and love in particular?
am i losing myself in platitudes
and losing sight of what makes me happy?

a long time it took me to
understand
through my own life experiences
that countered that drab lady's
that it's fine to fill
any or many or all hours with work
as long as it makes me happy
and i feel like i am on
the life path that i want to be
and there is no reason for me to
heed the voice of this woman

who obviously missed
the entire generation of women
who started working

longer it took to get past the
worthless and lazy heroine
who "fought hard because
it was so important to her"
does that mean that
if i don't fight, it means nothing to me?
and that whatever happens to my body
happens because i don't care?
and that if it is important to me,
i should fight against it because,
well, because
it is a woman's deepest unspoken fantasy,
maybe,
apparently,
to be conquered by force?

long it took me to conclude that
again through my own experiences
that she is she and i am me
and i have my own contours to conquer
and that if i do not fight and let it happen
it is because it is important to me in one way
and if i fight it it is
important in another way
(in the way that i don't want it,
not that it is my deepest unspoken desire
as was the heroine's)

and now i wonder
why i was so taken with
these two women in the first place
now that it is so easy to
look past the glamour

why did i let her poison my mind at all?

Monday, April 17, 2017

Intent

"I may not know
What the words mean,
But i know the feeling
Precisely"

- a note on how to read poems,
Found in 'thirteen reasons why'

Transparent

The surest evidence
Of the fact that
I have grown up
Came when i began
To decipher
The expressions
Body language
Of people who
Tell you one thing
But act another way
Tortured souls that
Think their words
Tell the whole story
And that they are not
Giving themselves away

Looking back
I can only wonder
How transparent my face
And my tensed body
Must have been
All those times i was
Unable to pierce
My cocoon
Suffocated by it
But also thinking myself
Safe in the knowledge that
No one knew of
The storms within me

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Trying so hard

To be composed

(And failing)

Will it always be like this?
Will my leaping heart
Like waves
Always beat at
The unyielding cliffs
Of your composure

And will i retreat defeated
Every time?

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Parable

You already create epics
without ever learning the words

and now they will try tp
teach you the letters

Write out the letters, they will say
Speak it out in ten different ways,
Question the interpretation

of course you already know
the one that  works best
but you will try out all the ten
and fail at the nine
and look at others who are doing
twelve and fifteen
and think you are not
good enough
and will forget the one
you know to be right

it is designed to break
all but the best, the system is
not that you are not the best,
you are,
but you will lose your confidence
if you face it
before you know your worth

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

My company tonight

A nature
That responds to emotions
A longing
Made up of illusions
Your words
Keep me company

भावनासंग खेल्ने 
प्रकृति
मिथ्याले बनेका
अभिष्टि

तिम्रा शब्द छन्
आज मेरा साथी

Let's make small talk

Tell me where you keep your heart
Under what layers of subterfuge
You keep it hidden

How long it took
To build that wall around it
And how difficult that was

Tell me you have not
Buried it somewhere
And forgotten about it

Tell me what makes  you
Go look for it
Tell me what you whisper to it
Before you bury it back

Tell me when it breaks the wall
On its own, unbidden
And comes out through your eyes
Tell me when, and
Let me be there to catch it
Before you secrete it away again

भन मलाई कहाँ राख्छौं तिम्रो मन
कतिवटा पत्रले बेरेर लुकाएको छौ

भन मलाई कति  समय लाग्यो
मनको वरिपरि पर्खाल लगाउन
कति गाह्रो भो त्यो ठड्याउन

मनलाई कतै लगेर पुरिदिएका त छैनौ?
बिर्सिदिएका त छैनौ? भन मलाई

भन मलाई कुन बेला तिमी
मनलाई खोज्न जान्छौ?
र फेरी पुर्नु भन्दा अगाडि 
त्यसलाई सुस्तरी के सुनाउँछौ?

भन्नु मलाई
जब मनले कुनै बेला ती पर्खाल तोडेर
नबोलाइकनै
तिम्रो आँखाको बाटो भएर आउँछ
र तिमीले फेरी लगेर लुकाउनु अघि
समाउन देउ मलाई
अनायसै बगेको तिम्रो मन

Monday, April 10, 2017

Teleology

Just like water
That seeks its own level

So will your heart
Only settle at the the love
That it feels home in

And if it is not meet
Your heart will not
Settle on it in the first place

Voices

I keep mine muted
For fear of
Unintended explosion

She makes hers loud
Not because she is aggressive
She who would not harm a fly
But because it has been muted
By everyone around her
All these years
No wonder,
When she finally gets to speak,
She is loud,
Exulting in the sheer joy
Of having a voice at all

I should remember
To let it out
From time to time
Just so that i don't
Build up and store
Explosions for old age


मेरो स्वर सधैं सानो 
(जसलाई मिठो मानिन्छ)
विस्फोटको डरले

उनको स्वर सधैं ठुलो
उनी आक्रामक भएकाले होइन
उनफ त आफ्नो जीउमा बस्ने
माखो पनि मार्दिनन्

तर यसकारण कि यत्रो वर्ष
त्यसलाई चुप लागइएको थियो
र यत्रो वर्षपछि उनी बल्ल बल्ल बोल्दा
एकैचोटि विस्फोट निस्कियो
त के अचम्म भो?
उनी ठुलो स्वरमा बोल्छिन्
आफ्नो पनि स्वर रहेछ भन्ने थाहा पाएको
नजाँनिंदो खुशियालीमा

मैले पनि बेला बेलामा
भडास पोख्न 
सम्झिनु पर्छ
बुढेसकालका लागि 
विस्फोटहरु
साँचेर नराखिउन!

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Monologues

If only i could write down
All my constant monologues

Conspiracies

You could say i conspired
To be beside you
Like the girl in
Life after sunset

You could be right
But i would suggest
My feelings are
Much more intense
And i am much more creepy

Think #wickerpark

A life wasted

Unloved by husband
Hated by children
Laughted at by the world

A life passes by
Without even she herself
Knowing what she wanted

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

ideals

the ideals we  live by
and discard as we grow
loved ones
heroes
gods
principles

(reading indra bahadur rai)
you might  argue there are no ideals
that will stand the test of time
and relegate yourself to a routine life

but there is always love
and kindness
those last things out of
the pandora's box
that will never 
lead you astray
like your ideals

things that your soul
always knows are right

(whether we (read I) have
the strength to live by these ideals
is a different matter)

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Ominous

I dreamt that i
went sightseeing
And saw a palace
I had never heard of
With water overflowing
From every seam

A palace symbolizes
you are ready
To live your dreans
And overflowing water,
Pent up energy and potential

I am so ready
To tackle life
In full flow

Monday, April 3, 2017