Saturday, February 25, 2017

Alison Bechdel continued

Where, for example,
Are the times when your first blood
Becomes public discussion

Your age,
(Or lack thereof)
The amount of blood
(Or lack thereof)
Your breasts
(Or lack thereof)
Your manners
(Or lack thereof)
- whether you know
The areas you are allowed to
Touch and enter
The things you are allowed to eat
And
The number of times
You need reminding of these things

When these
'Markers for your character'
Become fodder for
Public discussion
And your private humiliation

Where do we see
These times portrayed?

Alison Bechdel

I won't watch a movie you said
In which there is not a scene
Where two women talk about
Something other than a man

And became famous
As you still live

True, that.

Are men the only thing
Women talk about?

Two men may talk about anything
Women, of course,
But then also we see
Their relationships with
Father
Mother
Country
Religion
Sports
Health
Nostalgia
Confidence, or lack thereof
Depression
Masturbation
(Haha when was there ever
A movie where two women
Discuss their masturbation?)

Women have relationships with
All these things too
And so much more

Where, for example,
Are the times when
Me and my sister
Pretended to bleed
A week early
So that we could
Attend dashain and tihar?
Covered up for each other
When we were bleeding
Together
And pretended to bleed
One after another
So that we would have each other
To bring each other food and water
From the forbidden kitchen?
When we complained to our mother
About our mother
For not letting go
Of these ramshackle traditions
And yet kept up the charade
For we want to give her the dignity
Of her traditions
In her own home

I don't care if you stop doing it
When i am no longer around, she said
But as long as i am here, she said
And this is my home, she said

Where in movies
Or in books
Do we wee
This exasperation we had
With her stubbornness
This complicated relationship
Where a mother wishes the best
For her daughter
But won't tell her to go for it
Where a mother is torn between
What she grew up with
And what her heart tells her
How she feels guilty
For betryaing both
Her mothers
And her daughters

Where daughters are exasperated
But they love her more
Than they are exasperated

And so they keep up the charade

Having you is like

Eating dessert after dessert
(And not getting fat :P)

You,
Life's dessert for me

Rangoon

Alvida alvida toh nahi
Jism se jaan juda toh nahi
Rooh mein beh raha hei tu
Aye kahin tu khuda toh nahi

#rangoonlove <3

Confusing

To think that
So much has happened in my brain
And so little of it in real

Friday, February 24, 2017

Home calling home

If it feels like home,
Follow it,
Said a wise poet

But who wants to go home?
Who wants to go home?

I would rather follow
The calls of adventure

Is adventure my home?

Is home a bigger adventure?

Is it un-brave
To come home when
Adventure calls?

But then those who never come
Seem to lose themselves
Lose sight of what they wanted
In the first place

Is it un-brave
To try to save yourself
From that fate?

To gather yourself
Before you go off again?

Serendipity

मेहरबानी जाते जाते मुझपे कर गया
गुजरता सा लम्हा एक दामन भर गया

- amitabh bhattacharya

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

I refuse

To let you corrupt me

I refuse to let the world
Take away my goodness

Though you may break me
Again and again

I will rebuild myself
Again and again

You who have
never broken
Know not
The strength
That it takes

#strength in my
#deliberate frgility
#yourloss

Monday, February 20, 2017

Expectant eyes

And just when i
Raise my hands to
Take my first morsel
(Having been served last,
As usual)
It is at that moment
That he decides
He needs to poop

"Mummyyyyyyy......."

Of course,
I am the mummy
But the mummy also needs to eat
Or so they don't think

Because they look at me
All those venerable ones who are
More than halfway through
Their meal
Who could simply
Gulp down the last two bites
And hold him until i finish
The
Watery dal,
Two pieces of potatoes
(None of the mushroom for me)
Half a pinch of achar
And as proof of love,
Oodles and oodles of rice
(Yesterday's)
That are my lot

But no!
They insist on staring at me
Stare stare stare
Unblinkingly
Until i get up with a sigh
Wash my hands
And take a wailing four year old brat
To potty

Sunday, February 19, 2017

reluctant researcher

i compared the two old ladies
and couldn't believe they were sisters

they were both thin
they had both died their hair
(in different colors)
but while one's red stood out as
radiant and becoming
the other's black
seemed flyaway and fake

how did this defeated looking woman
miss the train to glory,
while her sister became a star
though they were both scholars
in an age when women
hardly knew their alphabets?

was it determined
that fine day when they were both
invited to dinner by a handsome foreigner
and one of them caught his eye and
another didn't?

what must she have felt that night?
i imagine her,
perhaps happy for her sister,
perhaps a little proud of her,
perhaps jealous,
perhaps a little bit of everything
but always she was confident,
haughty, even
determined to pursue her scholarship
determined that her day would come
determined that she would find her happiness
in the life she chose

determined that nothing
came between her and her books
but then,
that they both were.
but only one of them suffered for it.

you need to choose, i suppose,
early on,
how you want your life to end
nothing guarantees, of course
that your life will go
exactly as you planned
but if you don't,
you are doomed anyway

you need to choose
if your art, your scholarship
your whatever passion
means so  much
that you are willing to accept
a lonely life

does marriage matter so much?
i asked myself...
is it the difference between
radiance and dullness?

perhaps it is.

not the institution of marriage
but the presence of love and
companionship
does seem to make a difference
to how your old age goes

i wish it wasn't so
i wish these brave women
(and a lot of them are women
not all, but a lot
who were so overwhelmed
by the rare opportunities they received
so taken
by their own talent
that they decided nothing else was
worth anything)
yes, i wish these brave women
(without whom i would not be here)
had led warm, fulfilling lives
(without whom my life would not be fulfilling)
that their lives had been
as full of love and companionship
as it was of scholarship and talent
i wish they didn't have to choose
(they who gave me choices
and the privilege of not having to choose)

but that is not the case
and these brave women suffered a lonely life
just because they chose to
follow their heart

i wish it wasn't so
but i have seen it far too often
to believe otherwise

average of five

they say you are
the average of five persons
you are closest to

what if those five persons
hate each other?

What if you hate them
or they hate you?

You are still their composite,
poor, scattered, fragmented
though you may be
among those five

dancer to the drums

That day when she was making tea
and felt the world swoon around her
but it was she who swooned

all morning
she
had been
on her mind

that fateful day when she had
come into the house
not realizing she had been dripping blood
all through the yard, the front door
and the sacrosanct kitchen

she had been too young,
they whispered around
too young to know
what had killed her mother
though she had seen it all,
and had wailed for days.
she remembered nothing, 
they whispered

she did not correct them
for she did not want them to take away
the little she had left
of her bright and beautiful face
of her desperate last words
of her eyes like deep pools
of her rasping breath
as she let it out for the last time
of her wails
that seemed to pierce the sky
but not hearts

often that rasping breath
roused her from sleep
and often those tears
clouded her own eyes
and often her dreams of those deep pools
followed her into her waking hours
until she could not tell
which was which,
and swooned, lost into those wails
only she could hear
because the world without it
had nothing for her

as the doctor took her pulseand found an extraordinarily fast heartbeat
for no reason
and the nurse drew her blood
and found no contaminants
she continued to lose her senses
again and again
be lost to the world outside
for the world within,
the only one that made sense to her

When the drums sounded,
she lost her herself again
she swooned again,
somehow the drums seemed to make it
easy to evoke her memory
but this time it was different
no one put a damp cloth on her forehead
no one took her pulse and poked her with needles
as she spoke, she sang

i do remember, she said
i feel her pain, she said
i know who did it, she said
and i will have their blood

he resisted, the one with the big club
but she named him and
all accusing eyes turned to him
and years of resentment welled up
she resisted, the one with the claws
but she was named as well
and suddenly everyone remembered
the spells she had cast on
all manners of good people

go, she said, go and repent
else i will have your blood
else she will have your blood

and when the drums stopped beating
they had all bowed down to her


When the drums sounded,
they listened to her

When the drums sounded,
they could not make fun of her
could not foist shit into her mouth
and turn her out of her village,
they could not beat her black and blue,
and leave her to bleed to death

When the drums sounded,
she was a goddess

and so she lost her herself
and so she danced,
when the drums sounded

Mon cher

They had grown up together,
Fighting sometimes, 
loving each other most times

Life took them on different paths
and when they met again,
years and years later
it was to the good fortune of one
and the terrible fortunes of another
mostly brought about by
who they married

and when the unfortunate sister
(yes, they were sisters)
asked for help,
she was told
to adjust with her lot
and fight her own way out
because everyone
deals with their own fate
and the fortunate one
had been carrying her sister's
disproportionate burden
all her life
and had had enough

What lesson could I learn from it?
From this transformation
of a bright, beautiful girl
into a lazy, depressed,
sickly, and depressing woman

There's a lot i can take away from it
About having money,
for example,
Not having to beg people
for a sachet of coffee
or having to resent it
when you are forced to share it.
About having your own back,
the ability to walk away
from terrible abuse.

About not having children
if you cannot take care of them.
About planning for your life:
what you want,
what you are willing to  settle for,
and what you will
absolutely not tolerate.
and then working towards them.
About how women
have no one but themselves,
at the end of the day.
About not judging anyone
For we all carry
our own heavy burdens
even those that appear
fortunate.

But most of all,
I wondered what could go wrong
in a relationship supposed to be
the closest in the world
the one i live by, swear by

I would hope,
My sister,
That my door is always
Open for you
That i am able to
Give you shelter
No matter what 
my life looks like
how could it be otherwise?
how did it become otherwise
for them?

perhaps it is true that
all relationships require work,
and the closest ones,
most of all

and i can only be grateful to you,
mon cher
for doing all the work,
your share and mine,
all these years

He understood that

When you talk to other people,
You are a team

You don't talk to each other
And get lost in inside jokes

But present a civil, pleasant
Most importantly, united front
And entertain the outsider

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

चन्दनको जंगलमा हुर्केर

बास्ना आउने काठ जस्तो बनेका
केही मानिस

जब बढ्दै जान्छन् र
बास्नाले छोड्दै जान्छ

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

If time is infinite

And matter is finite,
Everything that can happen
Has already happened before

- heard somewhere
#what's the use of worrying
#but still
#no consolation

Friday, February 3, 2017

Projection

When you come and tell me
To not change the channel
Because your brother's
Favorite song is playing

I wonder why you don't
Come outright and say
That you don't want to
Change the channel
Because you like the song

Thursday, February 2, 2017

How can i sound

Both more confident
And more nervous
At the same time?

The #youeffect

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

beneath the surface

If you only heard one of them speak,
you would never realize
what was going on

but when you see them together
you see
the two sides of a river
forced to flow together
for years and years

yoked together with little taste
for each other

and each molding himself
against the other

replacing one another's
smiles for sarcasm
optimism for passive aggression

how much effort they must put
to not show every moment
how much they hate each other
and instead channel it this way