reluctant researcher

i compared the two old ladies
and couldn't believe they were sisters

they were both thin
they had both died their hair
(in different colors)
but while one's red stood out as
radiant and becoming
the other's black
seemed flyaway and fake

how did this defeated looking woman
miss the train to glory,
while her sister became a star
though they were both scholars
in an age when women
hardly knew their alphabets?

was it determined
that fine day when they were both
invited to dinner by a handsome foreigner
and one of them caught his eye and
another didn't?

what must she have felt that night?
i imagine her,
perhaps happy for her sister,
perhaps a little proud of her,
perhaps jealous,
perhaps a little bit of everything
but always she was confident,
haughty, even
determined to pursue her scholarship
determined that her day would come
determined that she would find her happiness
in the life she chose

determined that nothing
came between her and her books
but then,
that they both were.
but only one of them suffered for it.

you need to choose, i suppose,
early on,
how you want your life to end
nothing guarantees, of course
that your life will go
exactly as you planned
but if you don't,
you are doomed anyway

you need to choose
if your art, your scholarship
your whatever passion
means so  much
that you are willing to accept
a lonely life

does marriage matter so much?
i asked myself...
is it the difference between
radiance and dullness?

perhaps it is.

not the institution of marriage
but the presence of love and
companionship
does seem to make a difference
to how your old age goes

i wish it wasn't so
i wish these brave women
(and a lot of them are women
not all, but a lot
who were so overwhelmed
by the rare opportunities they received
so taken
by their own talent
that they decided nothing else was
worth anything)
yes, i wish these brave women
(without whom i would not be here)
had led warm, fulfilling lives
(without whom my life would not be fulfilling)
that their lives had been
as full of love and companionship
as it was of scholarship and talent
i wish they didn't have to choose
(they who gave me choices
and the privilege of not having to choose)

but that is not the case
and these brave women suffered a lonely life
just because they chose to
follow their heart

i wish it wasn't so
but i have seen it far too often
to believe otherwise