Lying to oneself

When the teacher's back was turned
They started playing,
Throwing balls of mud at each other,
Laughing and winking

He saw she never took part in any of it
Always sitting quietly in a corner
Working, working
Eating little
Smiling rarely
Wearing always an overall
Over plain colors
Treating every offer of love
And every derisive comment
With the same disdain

She was radiant,
Radiant with the brightness
Of an inner light
Like a lotus floating on muddy waters
She seemed to float,
Untouched by the filth in the world
Undaunted by the pulls of
Desire and greed
That sways ordinary mortals

His heart swelled with reverence
For her

Everyday he wanted to
Work up the courage to talk to her
And never could
And went away thinking
Of himself as
A worshipper of austerity
Like hers

And always thought of the marriage
(That he went into willingly)
As one foisted upon him
And tried to live an austere lifestyle
That would make her proud

Trying to deny his impulses,
Being miserable in his own loneliness
When he succeeded
And blaming others when he failed

She never married,
The sculptress

And he who thought he would
Renounce everything
To be her equal
Did everything but
Took pleasure in nothing
Because he considered the material
To be beneath him
(Or
thought he ought to think so)

Leaving him confused
About what it all meant
And wondering if
His life was worse than hers

At the end of the day,
What did he gain from
This self delusion
Except a glorified image of himself
That he could not reconcile with?
And a false legacy
For his successors to grapple with?

What does anyone gain
By glorifying renunciation
That is only the bastion
Of the dedicated few?