casual

I don't like the world of casual relationships,
she said
I feel that today's generation is focused on
very shallow, transitory things, she said

her strange, vehement pronouncements

lead me to that time of my life

when i remember feeling the same, 

and expressing it just as vehemently, if not more

and i start wondering 

what sorts of layers of socialization

lead you to that viewpoint

from where you dislike something

natural and intrinsic to human life

one reason could be 

they really dislike intimacy without emotions

but that still doesn't mean you can judge other people

for going for things you don't like

just because you don't like them

another reason could be that
it is not happening in your life

and she would never admit that that is the reason

nor would i, for that matter, when I was her age

and i would be the last person to admit

that i perhaps envied 

the freedom of people

 who seemed to live

lives more free

more fulfilled

more beloved

while i had nothing but

high moral ground

   

but after a while even the ground shifts

when you realise that life is not so clear cut and easy

and that situations have complications

 and that each relationship 

has its own moral universe

and the final reason could be

that if you admit 

you are in any way interested in sexuality

it would open up pitfall upon pitfall

of characterization

of where you stand in society

of what kind of person you are

you know of course that there is no avoiding it

love, relationship, marriage, sex, etc

so then you go for the socially accepted models 

of "meaningful" relationships

with a long history of idealised romances

that places you in the category of a good person

and it leaves you wondering

when these pedestals have fallen from your eyse

it leaves you wondering

who you are, or who you would be

without these idealised ideas 

it's not nice to judge people
and think they are conservative
based on whether or not they are
in these casual relationships, she said
you can be progressive and liberal
in every other way without getting into
morally ambiguous territory

sure i agree it's not nice to be judged

as being conservative

when you are only being true to yourself

but at the same time

it's not nice to judge other people's 

moral ambiguity vis-a-vis your own

for lack of better words, conservative-ness

 

so there comes that asexuality

that is not just an honest interest

in everything that is not sexual 

but also a resentment with 

the world's constant focus on intimacy

as if it was the only thing that mattered

and as if you are the only own

missing out from this secret society

before the realisation

that indeed it is the one thing that keeps going

before the realisation of 

what your denial is doing to you

you might say

let's talk about food, education, agriculture

father mother brother sister social duties

with the same passion that we talk about love 

i get so much joy and enrichment from books,
she said

some people have the luxury to think

this will suffice
oh, young people!